The Big Day

Its was a big day of my blog today, my blog which started the day country got Mahatma five years ago, I lost my mother today, now the most painful day of my life. No more inspiration, no more reason to reason about. Her life was a message for us, and her death was recap of her life journey, with the pain she was carring towards the ends...better ended! although not so easy to accept it. The picture of our family has lost the focal center. This is meaningless to say that we're not going live without her, surely hard to image ourself without, the content which made us whatever we are is gone. All Sand Castle now.

Change!

Change is something which we sometimes like and mostly don’t because it breaks our settlement, but with happiness or with disappointment, we are bound to accept it. There is nothing stable in this world even as per most scientifically established principle, but than what is that change which we feel most in spite of occurring continuous? The change is nothing but invasion of two different futures in different speed. So if this future even invade in unison it will be hard to find the change in surrounding. So, the changes which are as certain as the past and the future of the present are designed to look like so.

The black and The white

Nothing of the race, it’s about the life again. We all come across difficult time in life which willingly or unwillingly needs to be face. We do it boldly or lay before it that depends on us. The greatness of life is in the fact where we come out of it to become better, prove the toughness that we are ready for even worst, lit a light of the hope in all darkness for a way forward.

Thawing life

Life has taken a 360˚ turn in last one year. This time last year I was in Hyderabad with my mother with some coughing problem which was unknowingly developing as lung cancer in her. I was busy with my life in Dr. Reddy’s, working hard to meet my work-life challenges of day-today. On return from office, I had everyday goodtime of meeting my mother who use-to be busy in watching Sai-baba TV serial that time. I used to debate her on some ethical and mythological issues while she prepares and give me dinner, and then sleep for the next day office hungama. And now, there is no Hyderabad, no tension of office, but thing which makes the gap bigger is, no loving mother around me…to talk her, tease her, to argue her. She is struggling for a lesser painful death in India and I striving to survive here in Netherlands. The pain which was all around us but had not entered inside has penetrated badly inside now in both of us in this time. I am anyway going to survive out of it, but God, please if you really there somewhere, let her go without pain, you anyway going to get most precious gem of our life. Can’t you do this for us!

Man vs machine

Facing the most ugliest truth of life, when have to sit and plan a least painful death for my mother and get for the treatment accordingly. Mind never ever freezed so badly, now when such discussions start and my brothers expect my view on practical ground. having no mean to alleviate her pain and to let her live a normal life, its how meaningful to make her increasingly painful extended life. And extended life for what?; to let her feel that she is done with all her responsibilities, which is surely tail-less, or to solve my own satisfaction that I went for the medication to end of the possibilities resulting a very painful extension for few months.
Life conditions are showing their dirtiest face, forcing to treat my loveliest mother as a physical asset rather than a human.

Some thing like last inning

After seeing the worse than hell situation in Jamshedpur, we have brought mummy to Delhi back to her very first treatment providing hospital, which is meaningfully telling that it is going to be last also since the complications have been even though controlled for a very short time, have touched their worst end. And sitting beside mummy gives me a worst feeling of sitting on a bay and silently listening and watching the SOS! signal in a wait for ship to sink. Ship which is carrying all my resource of "all physical and emotional support". After previous incidences it was clear that this all is bound to happen a day but so soon, and on such time when again I am planning to go away from her, some what more away in physical term. Why always I have to sit on fulcrums!

Need that Opium More

People in pain often move for dope, and so as I, with a bit difference. It's dope from Karl Marx's dictionary according to whom "Religion is the opiate of the people". Life situations have bent me more towards God, loving more to think in term of Karmanye Vadhikaraste Ma Phaleshu Kadachana...... Probably that's the only way to get out of my pain and give a reason to my helplessness and prevent myself from breaking down. Everyday brings some or other bad news with a feeling of slowly brittiling surroundings. Long way to go in this darkness, don't know this dope is sufficient for this night or not.

Not More Than a Dummy

Whenever-wherever life needs me to give my 100% love and care to people I am attached with, I find myself in great dilemma, mostly fail to make myself available for the time. Loose the purpose of me being there in such instances and that too when 'am not in some great business! I am just doing what others do, n keep the things going around them. sometime feel that i am just practicing for some of my own life fiasco, where i will be left alone to face the consequences. Life and its choices always amaze me, and will keep me puzzling as ever.

Delhi Again.

Reached Delhi again today for my visa interview, things went fine and everything got completed so early as if completed with start itself. Thereafter went to see my friends and given them surprise information of me leaving India. A life is no way an easy thing to handle with and so was the tour. Started for here in a scene when my train journey ticket got canceled due to no-confirmation and reached here between heat and annoyance of too long journey as I got no other option. Anyway, it was a good day today when I met my school and college mates in a mall, got some time to share with them, recall some memories of past. Finally at my brothers place, ready to leave back to my workplace again...no other go!!!

Shattered to Pieces

Don't know why but every time in ups-and-downs of any relationship now I very easily start realising that everything has ended and no remedial thing is possible. Even start the preparation to to adjust and live with the left space. Why i am in so hurry to end-up all around and go alone don't know but one thing I feel always that nothing is going stay for long with me, atleast the people I love to live with, I can't steal time out of my life...just trying to live with the developing scenarios! how helpless and weak the past incidences of life have left me!!!

Concept of Time

Long back I read that, The concept of time, is the concept of mind! now I realise it when sometime I see the behaviour of people around me. When my mother was diagnosed for cancer at final stage people suddenly became so caring and humble about her, everyone asking how many more days. Now when the treatment seems to be working fine she is looking not just all about to go, same people are back on there regular behaviour; complaining, anguished and denying her as earlier. Shaking me! Do we need to die to get others love? Are we all just waiting to say good words, give some care and love only if it has to follow the final good-bye! Good that nobody is going to stay here forever, good so that everyone will have some good words and care before this show ends-up...

Dread of Monday Again!

Life which was running in a narrow gauge of batches after batch has bit widen to week time. Monday afternoon starts the week which don't know when suddenly ends up with Sunday morning. No Fresh air, no extra desire, everything looks so automated that waiting for a bang to bring some flavor. Weekends bring some time and space to think beyond job but by the time eyes wide open and the blood-vessels pump in the freshness Monday returns. And the same story starts. Why there is always that dreadful Monday after the Sunday!!!

Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish

Its a phrase form a book for its last edition, but I came across it few days back when one of my friend directed me to listen a speech by Steve Jobs to Stanford's Scholar in 2005. the speech was all about his 3 stories of his life which were surely very inspiring but the the magical ending was the with the comment that "Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish". Initially I was surprised, what it really mean to be, then i got it! If you want to grow stay hungry for knowledge, stay curious and that curiosity should be of innocent and naive. there shouldn't be anything which can guide you or make you biased in learning. And as long as you are hungry and foolish, no one stop you from achieving you goal.

Limits of Love and Degree of Friendship

We need everything measurable in this world, Success, dream desire, friendship and even the love along with the material things. And measurement brings the standardisation, degree and limits for all. How come relations of hearts can be manhandled by tools of mind I don't know. But in today's quick-start world people want everything ready made and predefined. Bad for all!
A Bashir Badr sher comes in my memory:

Parakhna Mat-Parakhne Mein Koyii Aapna Nahiin Rehta

Kissi Bhii Aaeene Mein Der Tak Chehra Nahiin Rehta

Breaking of Dream and Breaking of Desire

Its like question of burning with fire or with steam, what is more painful and hearting...Everyone seems crying some for there broken dreams as if they want to stay asleep always, others for broken desires which they made. Whatever, but anything without solid foundation and action going to break only. The Star Thrower story from Loren Eiseley which I learnt during a management program in my on job training still in my memory:

Vision without action is merely a dream.
Action without vision just passes the time
Vision with action can change the world.

Quest of the Real Self

This world, which looks to be the factory outlet of God...we keep moving in quest of some unknown destination which ends up with our end only and finally mean the same of everyone here. Are we all made to achieve different goals of life showing no synchronisation, or we all are working for the same goal, just with different part. If it is same for everyone, then what is that? Aren't we killing our own happiness by imposing more and more obligations over ourselves, of which none are natural. Culture, religion, caste, country, we want to adopt as many things as possible which make us involved in activities other than all what we want for ourself. Sometime I feel we are all although living our own life, but living someone else wishes, dreams and desires which may not value now. Anyway, atleast I know I need to look for me to realise my real self.

The Stats of Life

I was reading about the assignable and unassignable cause in stats which make the process more robust and reliable towards application. The same stats applies to the process of life were every aspect has an assignable or sometime unassignable cause towards it, and so are the people and the relationships around us. We can count dozens of people around us whom we feel to be loving us…really, isn't it? When I say love I didn't mean to the one which occurs commonly in Bollywood movies. Anyway, and against each name we can put a reason or the assignable cause of love which we feel is there. I still remember a neighboring aunty was how sweet as long as her phone call used to come at my home..We used to say it phoon ka rista, then and after it ended. So, this big list will definitely have a bigger part of these complementary names and the causes and the little few with name without unassignable cause. But contrary to other processes these unassignable ones which mean the most in process of life. Some name it as their true love and accept like that, some still keep searching the reason, the search which ends only by the time it's too late!

Nationalism fido

I big argument started in my mind few days back when in an informal discussion one of my colleague said, "the idea of nationalism is waste, how old it is, not even a few decades?". The discussion ended then and there itself but it gave me a point to think about, which I also agreed lately. Our school old pledge of...all Indians are brothers and sisters, isn't giving us a foundation for the the wall which we create in life later towards the rest of world and slowly that tendency makes us to make some more walls for insiders. It's OK that some are brothers and sisters but why aren't others. The crop of most of the terrorism across world have grown over the same soil of intellectual partitioning in our mind on the name of nationalism. Do we really need to be classified as a nation or a region or so...isn't it true that whatever, wherever we are we always like to relate ourselves with the root and the idea of bounding people from moving across globe is against humanity. In fact, any idea which allows people to differentiate themselves from other people is waste, either its religion, area, race, color or the nation itself. Only true thing which works is humanity which we really need in all of us across these thick walls.

First time tourist

In between I got a chance to visit Puri, Bhuvneshwar and Kolkata. My visit to Puri was like seen my home place after long time, everything same as Varanasi, same vibes, same smell which can't say is good or bad! same crowd looking ready to welcome, and even the same pandas ready to rob you on the name of God if you ever loosened your pocket. Several times even I got caught in such people and escaped based on my experience. Anyway first time seeing the Sea and Bhagwan Jagannath's Darsan was very much satisfying wish of mine since long time. Between Puri and Bhuvneshwar I also saw Sun Temple of Konark, Buddhist temple near place of famous Kaling Yuddha, Lingraj temple of Lord Shiva and Caves of Khandgiri and Udaygiri. After that I returned to Puri railway station to leave for my next tour destination Kolkata where I reached in an overnight journey. I had no travel guide, and no earlier preparedness to be there except names of few famous places so was completely clueless about where to start. Called up my brother and thereafter Kankana with a hope that will get some help, which only helped me in giving courage but no direction to start. Anyway best thing about our country, the over supporting people worked, I got into a bus for Kali Ghat, reached after one change but was the most ambiguous to find the way to get into temple. Anyway, followed a Panda and finally reached also, to see Goddess and say my wish with great hope. Came out to reach the next destination told to me earlier by metro rail, The Victoria Memorial Museum and the Calcutta Museum where I was surprised to see the way people where keenly reading the most boring subject of History roaming all around. Following people I also made the round around and came out to go to my next destination, the cheapest market ever seen Dharmtala. It was a amazingly cheap for all goods but didn't get anything except a bag and a cap for my brother's son from the market. Here I got the most special experience of my life, traveled in Tram- the train running on road unlike other vehicles, careful about the road traffic!!! Evening went with myself roaming in the same street after which I returned to Hawrah railway station to catch the train to my brother's place. Journey ended with lots of good memories and now looking forward to have next.

Some more days in Jharkhand

Sorry, the story telling about my visit stopped because of internet server failure here in my brother's place but anyway they are still with memories. The next day of me coming here, the most amazing thing was the 23 years sacked person brought to my brother's house since courts don't run on holidays and presenting before magistrate is compulsory before apprehending anyone. So, when they returned I simply asked what that fellow did, pick-pocketed!? and the reply was shocking, killed his neighbour in wordily quarrels between their wives which went high...I thought what a peak of nonsense..but my brother corrected me, "that's culture here". Another interesting thing that complemented the act was the collection of Handiya outside every house and its special smell, been told that its a local wine prepared by tribes here and is something which keeps them flying high for everyday-all time; which allows them to do whatever-wherever. But the last thing comes in mind about the people and the area here is the situation, which has not developed or not let to develop with developing India. Who is responsible, the stupid doped people there, their political and social leaders which don't want the area to develop since they will loose there value thereafter, or the entire system which never cares about his vicious symbiosis between the predators and prey.