In coherent thought still

Not a single morning still starts without my mothers thought...every day eye-opener thought! why we she left so early, if I had done this she may be there, If I had done that it all would have never happened! n so on the infinite possibilities... I don't want to dissociate myself from her, neither forget her, but the tearful mornings are ending in no energy for our shared dream! I am normal to everyone around now, much more as before...but hate to be intimate to anyone! especially when they try to show them caring me...I ain't ready to allow anyone to puncher the layer of last soft memories of my mother anymore!