Sleepless as never before

Don't know but since I have returned from Delhi ,there have been not a single night when i had a good sleep for even 6 hours .This inspite of exahustive day time and no sleep in between. Intially I thought its just another change because of place, may be because of yoga but as the the time is passing by and things are still the same this question comes in my mind what exactly making me to do so. I can nither forget nor forgive myself for whatever went and still going in my life. Never found as insensitive before...find myself sleeping even with open eyes.

With All Odds

Really its a great mismatch about me. In all walks of life from study, job, ethics to relation, this mismatch is the one common phenomena...which in some of my friends word is called confused personality - a dangerous symptom. Whatever, I am not worried since it is what make me different. I always hated biology and chemistry and I became a Biochemical engineer. I always had a research and analysis bent in my vision and I started my job in production where everything is locked and any deviation to it is a deficiency. I am never a believer of God but I like to listen to him and spiritual ideas are as much important to me as any other scientific idea. I always hated Bengalees and stayed away from girls for no obvious reason while making friends and truth of present is that almost all of my good friends are bengalees with a best friend a Bengali girl..and lot more odds which continue...even increasing everyday.

Kill for God, Live for God

Karl Marx's quote that "religion is the opiate of the masses" holds it significance in new world even were his major idea of communism has already lost its value and all equations have change. The Mumbai blasts have prove that even in a country like India where our thousands of years of culture and civilisation has reinforced the spiritualism and humanity in living, where people get get up with a name of God and sleep with the same, people are not safe from those who Kill for God. No God says or allows the killing of a innocent but this fight for killing and living for the God persists because of ideas of few people to rule the world with on there own conditions.

Ceasefire with God

The chase for success continues and so do the real time hurdles and problems all where in life. I always had a thought that I can win though all odds; manly or heavenly. I don't know weather I never believed in God or always tried to pretend it of. I have being purist, a lover of Krishna not as a god but more of my friend whom I can see anytime for my problem, his Bhagwad Gita to guide me in my life. Then came the time to realise the real heat of life when bundles of problems started coming and cobbing into each other. Thanks my friend was always there with me to give me wisdom and path to follow. I definitely have not turned into theist but surely find my self more loving and closer to nature.

At Last...

After long time good news have started coming to me...Kankana's selection in IIT was the opener one, followed by a word that my mothers blood reports are showing improvements in her health rather than worsening of the situation which although gave only a little hope but in such a time when I was starved for a one good news everything seems to be a blockbuster to me. Don't know how much success our faith is going to get for us but atleast some reversal of situation which had developed all around gives me the hope! hope that things will be alright again for everyone.

SOS!!!

Last day events have affected my life badly, so badly that I am responding skeptical about every thing around. Don't know probably because of an afraid of getting alone without my mother who was always there to care and protect me. Now I see myself questioning everything, everytime which earlier I use to skip...so much resistant to change that sometime just like to close my ears, when find myself helpless. I can feel the fissures of my heart full of pain, hatred and indifference. Some days have completely changed everything of my life, when I was looking for the meaning of life and was busy to make my big dream come true, life has given such a big shock that neither the life mean to me nor the dream... but finally where its all leading me to is going to be surprise.
Lets c!!!

Question Which I Can't Answer

Life is becoming too much ambiguous...surrounded by too many questions, answer of which I don't want to give; not even listen in background of the worst accident of my life so far. Accident because my mother whom I love most has been diagnosed for lung cancer in final stage, which in simple language means that the reverse count for the D-day has started. Finding myself completely helpless and weak as never before but can't even express myself to my mother whom I have been saying it all when ever before. Have to give her dreams about that one day she will be fine as before, one day I will take her to holy places which i had already promised her for, one day I will bring her back to my place in Hyderabad where still all her belongings are lying, one day...!!! That one day which I know is not going to come... my promises will stay undone, so as I will...incomplete, without her.

Balancing Terror

Politics have never been clean in India but its growing worse by day. In the new political system on the name of secularism they can balance every thing...even the terrorist. As the name of a Hindu activist Sadhvi Pragya Singh Thakur has come in Malegaon blasts it is a breeze for the pseudo secular political community, for whom it's like their dream come true to prove that the other terrorist activities are more of a retaliation rather than terror attack by the other community. In background of this they want to curtain the baseline support to such terrorists by their community and indirectly by them for some votes which is no where in Hindus of India..

Today..Tomorrow...n No-Tomorrow

Some live in today...some for better tomorrow and other for after life...but this race for today, tomorrow and even after don't let us stay happy at any point of time. I feel human by its nature is a unsatisfied creature who is always worried for one or the other reason. If he is not happy, he feels why is it with him, if he is happy he feel this is of no mean unless his future is full of happiness and slowly with the age and some time even before once he gets out of desires of happiness for his today and tomorrow the new worry of good after life comes with him and finally he remains unhappy in this kind-of his shadow chasing event.

Soul of Terrorism

A big debate is going on all around the world over terrorism and its support and growth in society. And in last few years the way people of a particular religious belief have been found to be involved and supporting the terrorism the question comes that whether every person of that community should be seen as a terrorist or why all terrorist are from the same community. The way hatred and alignment has increased for this community all round the world as aftermath its right time to make a serious call among the people from this community to realign themselves in the society. Start condemning the people involved in such activities on bigger stages and unto depth and give a support by not allowing any terrorist activity in and around them.

Middle Class Love Stories Crafted with High Class Knits

When it comes to love, people say it has no bar of age, riches, race or religion, but it’s truer on reel life rather than real life. And also when it comes to love life people don’t forget to index their success rate. The real life love stories definitely get boost from reel life where all comforts of life and a unidirectional problem guide the success at the end but it’s not the same for the real one. The complex relation of love in real life faces problem not just from outside world but also the challenges of sustenance for overwhelming love in between all the problems of love. In such situation one without solid foundation looses its vigor by time and only remains the wretches of sweet memories of past and in between this all, the all what is blamed is love…love which was probably not there if seen exactly.

Global Thoughts Local Priorities

World is becoming smaller day by day with the thought of globalization in all walks of life but is this thought growing in a healthier way. The tendency to question has grown, grown so much in the democracy like India that politician and there counterpart media is not even hesitant to question the sacrifice of martyr...and to look global even talking about the larger group interest has become crime...You can't talk of Hindu rights since they are majority, on the same time a big group is ready to question the apprehension of terrorists because they are from a minority group. Talking of hindu is communilism, and supporting a terrorist only because he is muslim is nohow a communal call. Standards are fixed and applicable in all areas of decision making; to look neutral close you eye and blindly support the smaller group irrespective of right and wrong.

Likes, Dislikes and Mean to be Nothing

Life in itself is the biggest examination where we are tested for all orientation. Sometime we enjoy being there to share happiness, the other time satisfied to share the pain. Sometime we exaggerate out of sorrow of not being there for the happy time, the other time we disown the pain. The emerging vanishing relations in this play of life blow it out even more. In last days, some of those instances and people have made me look life in different paradigm. Relations which are don’t know how much own, people all looking for their own chance to play, No emotion, no submission, everything is opportunity rest all is Nothing.
Again life is becoming robotic for me again; people already started noticing that change.

Flatter World and Thicker Wall

Was reading a journal article over Blogs, censorship and civic discourse in China to prevent political activism against current systems and for democracy, but the the issue of censorship is not just limited to some anarchic rulers but also with several institutions worldwide who filter and censor the Internet browsing in there facility on the name of policy and privacy which creates lot of annoyance and misinformation among the users. The freedom to choose and morality to deliver the job are always there as natural filter for everyone there. I don't think any restrictions anyhow guide people for their way and approach towards life and access to world by any means. The high speed internet all around the globe and the other means of communications have definitely made the world more flatter and in every one's reach, but on the same time the way hatred has increased because of many socioeconomic reasons, this new flatter world is looking to be more and more compartmentalised by walls of increased thickness of that all.

Impossible is As Possible

Its a mile stone day on my blog today as of completion of fourth eventful year but the buzz of Gandhi is still around us, not just because of the day but also because of happenings all around. Day-today bomb-blast news has dried not just our eyes but also the heart which is becoming more or less accustomed to all odds. World economy is on other side at its bad days and people in India still in deception even after 60years of freedom, ready to believe all rumours and get in panic out of it. You must be thinking, But what Gandhi has to do with this all? may you be true but I'm afraid you are not this time. Gandhi had not fought against the imperialism, not even for the self governance...his fight was against our own. The own which differentiates between self and non-self, which wad full of apprehension rather than awareness or understanding of something. His fight against the own was named non-voilence since voilance was the most executed form of it but not the last and it will continue till any form of own will remain with us, unless untill that become we. Its a great target and we all have to work to make it true. Its not that everything is poosible in this world, but we should also give chance to impossible.

Askew as asleep

What’s the purpose of life and what for we people wondering in this world, this antediluvian question is still perking inside me but between this I had a special feeling this morning. I thought with time I am loosing all my passion and just doing it all like machine but today the Me inside surprised me today when in office I just made it out in night shift to read the novel which I was reading with the same interest which I used to have in college days. Early morning just completed the rituals to get back into my book again. It was a pleasant feeling for me with a quelling question also for, Why its not there for the studies will really need my dying seriousness to get me out of this hell. Yes after long time I am using this word for my work place where about slowly I have learnt enjoy working, but whenever the question of purpose of life peels me out the place bring me doubt and a doubtful mind only finds the Hell in the choking environment of that.

Mutthi Bhar Chiller Gift

These days country-wide serial blasts are taking place and government of India is busy delivering everything about its responsibility of condemning, visiting blast survivor and distributing some money which is noway going to full fill the worth of loss, except taking serious actions to unearth the the people and system involve in it. Political commitment always come in between the decision and all efforts are wasted in decision making for which to see first...the anti-nation, terrorist organisations or organisation causing religious turmoil. Vote bank politics tries to put the balance between the two completely different avenues of terror. Between these all People of India are busy in collection coins as cost of there own, paid as cost of democracy in the nation.

Hell of Heaven

Again somemore killed in Kashmir during terrorist attack to a house, and now its just another story. Emotions brazen, tears got frozen, and people are back now in normal life like nothing happened only few hours back. But behind this a family remains which is shattered because of last shock.

Its hidden from no one that the pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime!!! It doesn't depend upon who you are or what you have or what you want but solely on what you THINK!!! And that thinking makes you a Mahatma or a Terrorist. But at the end your action have a great reflection over society, that's you surrounding including you n your most loved ones. Its your choice to provide them a Heaven or a Living Hell!!!

Again Question remains open for you to answer; Answer which is also a question in itself?!!

Where is Our Phelps

Michael Phelps is no more a name which needs introduction between those who loves sports and even beyond, but his achievement of 8-gold medals is not just a landmark in sporting history but a big question mark to country like us which hardly managed 1-gold and over-all 3 medals out of entire carnival for its 1 billion population. Its not just in the area of sports, its not just the matter of present, its something which is repeating everywhere-every time. From sports to technology, from arts to literature our performance has deteriorated and we have proved our self a looser everywhere which is completely disgusting and needs to be think over. My believer mother tells it to be Devbhoomi but why we don't have that zeal to excel any field. Needs to think over and bring the change to bring back our pride.

What I want!?

Life has become like race with sometime a shorter while most of the bigger target which always stay ahead to make me run! and in between all these challenges of life there always remains the question that, what I want?...some time look like myself running in a blind race in which I am heading nowhere...even after all my efforts even when I achieve something questions remains in mind that, "probably this is not something which I had demanded from life!!!"...totally confused as always! but can't stop even to sit and think of...

Sannate ki Dukan!

Everyone wants peace in life! peace to enjoy innerself...to execute himself; to feel the innerself of own...but he million doller curry is the source! where to get that peace?! In the great search people collect or sometime in real sense try to buy pieces of peace for life...and which give space to people in this tricy world a opportunity to capitalise this demand of people...different people, in differnt style, in different senario, with different approach claim to provide you with that peace which you need. and in this chaos for getting the original mental peace the entire effort turn into something from shanti to shannata, which is as much meaning less as anyother disturbence of life

Passion and Desire...

We all dream! Dream to be best; dream to be achieving whatever one can think of...but when it come to convert this dream to reality we have different approach. Some live in there dreams and keep on dreaming one after other, some have desire and sometime they even put a good effort, but there is third class for whom, the dream is always a passion! Passion which reflects in their attitude; they just know what they want and, go for it.

I know I lie in the second category of people who although make a high dream but lack the passion to achieve. Its not like that I don't put efforts to do the best but the fire-the thrust to success is always missing! I personally know some people of third category also whom I always see as a motivation and aspire to be like them but again the same thing is missing which prevents me to be like them! Can't say I have made myself like that or its a congenital fault...

Life Expansion

Time has how so ever taught me not to expose my life suffering publicly either by body or by action but the mean of technology and information is even stronger. Problems in my life which I hide anyhow and survive for the time I find chronologically reflecting in my big and bigger growing itemised mobile bills. And sometime my attempts to seize the expansion of mobile bill, look like my attempt to become indifferent to my problems. As I pretend to be more strong and resistive to life challenges, their even bigger faces appear all the time and before which sometime I find myself too dwarf to face, but its my inner call or my emotional support by my holy loved ones which let me with stand among all.
Please be there, till my last battle...n ‘ll defeat it for you n me too.

No Happiness! No Grief!

Listening to Bhagwat Gita as usual for my moral boost up in time of low moral and got hanged my self with the idea of Lord Krishna’s Sthitipragya purush, the person who is neither happy because of some material happiness nor sad because of material loss is the best person and is closest to the God. The desire to be close to God or to achieve God is nowhere in me but the will to be stable to life challenges and opportunities brings me closer to Krishna. In a time when both the challenges and opportunities of life are demanding for tough decisions in life I can’t be a mare spectator or not just an escaper out of all. I have always desire to collect the meaning of life but what so ever I have learnt about it is definitely not something which I can run out of but something which needs my brave attempt to take over and become achiever...after that no happiness...no grief!

Chemistry of love

In my work life and because of my shift in-charge responsibility I have noticed a very awesome chemistry of love in men which appears pre and post-marriage. All the unmarried lovers grade of employee demand for more and more number of C-shift may be so that they have more time in day to go with there girlfriend, simply saying more time for love. On the otherside, the same person from that group as soon as gets married starts disliking C-shift and avoids as much as possible…a big shift in attitude because of just one event of life…don’t know what to say..amazing-awesome-stupefying-vexing! Probably all the same, don’t know what deeper chemistry which depends on day light!....some photochemical reaction

The Drop Of Oil

There are some questions which always remain unanswered; n some we don’t want to… but thinking of all around sometime I think of my vision and mission of life n endless expectations for which effort is nowhere…whenever try to be desperate for some goal so many doubt come in mind, whether is really needed or I am going to bring upheavals in life because of influence of others…The Alchemist’s story of eye over the drop of oil still peep in my mind but the truth is that now I feel that I don’t know, what is that drop!!! keeping eye over drop while journey of life is far away.

Sound of Self, Silence of Self!

Time never waits for anyone, n I am not the exception too... have lived my one year of life in vacuum which got created a year back when i left my college...I don't know i didn't enjoy my job or my past didn't left me alone to do so but at this time the only thing I find is sure that today when on the day when its completed its year round, nothing much has changed for me...same desires, same commitments... and so as the apprehensions! some time feel why time is so cruel, but the God with whom I always have the tight-fight gave me a good time for little atleast...friend whom I always find to be with me...all in myself!

Chase for Dream

While going to my office when I see the juggees beside the road and people living there, I just think of the life-its ambitions-destinations-sufferings all for some hope- some dream... What are the differences in the one which these people bear, one which I bear and the one which people above me!?! Finding that in this race to chase our dreams how we all become so small that we loose our own identity, just remains a position-a responsibility with a name of no value without it! but life is nothing without it even....some get success to achieve it some loose the ground and spoil themselves and acquaintances...still in search of meaning for life as ever.

A-Day…B-Day…C-Day…D-day….

After a 16 hour long shift; that too very hectic at job, and some shopping on the way back returned exhausted to flat and slept unconsciously for whole night to get up fresh at morning 5 on my B-day. Day started with my call to my fellow who was in night shift to get update of fermentation batch for which we were facing some problem n got some bad news…started swing in the ambiguity of thought of whether to go to office or stay back to pay my commitment for the day…anyways I called all concern people for the permission of necessary steps to be taken and went to my colleague’s place to tell him the way to do all to troubleshoot the situation…all went fine and things got done to let me return in back in B-day mode. Went for Cinema with friends and thereafter for food; both just like formality but took lot of time…retuned at 11 and called my friend to get a bad news again…as have taken soporiferous drug to induce sleep because of life tensions…disgusting! What hell I am doing in this world can’t even help my friend. Got a promise that,‘ll not be taking anymore in future! Not sufficient for me…still asleep at 3 after listening!!! Birthday already gone…

Life Examination

Going though ups and downs of life. Had my appraisal review with my boss somedays back, don't know why I went there for...returned completly dejected and with low moral after that. Was talking everything except our contribution to the jobs and when things not even settled there he clarified that since you people of fermentation are at very bottom of the process its its very hard to indentify your role in sucess. I was called for a 15 min. talk which went upto 1.5 hours sucking all my time which was really to be given to process since I had to do three media fills that day. In such sitution when you are expected to deliver most was like someone has blenched you and sent back! annoyed! tried to make myself more in the job helplessly....

Practical in Life..

People feel I am very much practical in life n I too try to pretend like that only, but is it really true...Life has its own narration, which I never understand just in my attempt to look practical I hurt my own people and finally myself...but on the same time when required to be adamant looking, I break so badly that I myself fail to control myself...Uselessly trying to show what I am not!

Knowledge is hindrance to learning…

Got a time to express myself here after long time today. Learning is very important in life and so as past knowledge, but now a day realizing the fatigue for learning in myself…not so active, not so curious as before when I was in my college or to start my job. Broken pieces of my knowledge are putting impedance with an unfounded realization that, I should not worry, as I already know it. Have a serious apprehension that will loose my ground very soon, if will remain same. Time has already taken away my inspiring friends, and now if I fail to contain myself, don’t know where I will be…lets see! Atleast hope is there! n realization too…

Become Like Me?

Had a talk after long time and for long time today with Konkana, which left me back again in my own puzzle when suddenly she said, "Ashish, I have become like you". I was all surprised and set inside after listening; started thinking of, but which Ashish! when I myself is no more like me. Time has really changed a lot...knowledge and more over personal approach. She meant to say about my knowledge but I went inside me, my approach to life after call. What a great change has occur! Although I was never a atheist but pretty agnostic, used to question everything and debate for even those things which even I were knowing is nonsense. Even now I don't put God's picture/mark in my room, just a Ganesha's small idol being more of friend than God! to whom I more complain than demand! always command never pray! but still I believe in him! I believe in my friend, as any other!Anyway the change is still there, I have a new love now! I have started loving Lord Krishna's Karma Yoga concept. Although I am not having great understanding over that but still what ever so far I have learnt out of it is wonderful! Its first time when my sceptical mind has nothing to question! just want to follow! Each and every word of Bhagwad Geeta looks to be coming from my own heart! Its a change in me but first time I am happy to accept it! happy to accept myself!

Crunch for News

Looking back in 90's I remember of days when although I had little interest in news but had good interest in the view of competitive preparedness of my elder brothers to catch the newspaper first as soon as the delivery-person used to throw it in my house. The only thingh which used to catch my interest was the front page cartoon. Now when so many news-sources are there from newspaper-channels to internet, interest in news have gone even lesser, which never comes unless something very special is there. Gone like as my favourate cartoon corner which has also disappeared from front pages of these newspapers.

Just Another Batch

Life in general is measured in days, months and years, some go philosophical saying "measure it in terms of happiness not in sadness". whatever, but for me working here in Dr. Reddy's entire concepts of time-day-month-years-happiness-sadness has dematerialized; busy days and tiresome nights are measuring life in terms of "production-batches". Time is flying with no other achievement beside job and find myself surrounded with existing and coming batches challenges. busy in new batch readiness again after one batch harvest today....

Way which is toughest and easiest too!!!

In life we all come across challenges when we don't know what to do, where to go, what is right and what is wrong! we stay apprehensive about unknown causes...and always feel uncomfortable about choosing the right and finally go into deeper mess day by day by our own choice. But I feel there is no alternative to truth; although its very tough to say or follow it sometime, even toughest but the confidence of being true, following correct path has no alternative. The pleasure of doing the right, the craving behind it is beyond comparison and makes the life easiest, beyond any apprehension of consequences.

about:blank

In life milestones come and achieved, desires wake and accomplished, success is sensed but is this all about life. Everything revolving around I-me-my. Thinking of what I have done for others, for the common man; something selfless, something spontaneous....find myself clueless. Life is like running on a fast track without a sense of what exactly I am heading for...personal goal... organisational goal...no goal. Find a big blank when I have answer the question from inner self.

Tiresome

Things got settled with friends and nearby, but don't know why feeling very down now a day. Want to leave it all and get back to my place. While studies I used to think of job for a money to fulfill my dreams...now when job is there, money is there, neither time is there nor the dream...looks like walking in great darkness. Both body and mind gone so tried and more over hopeless that just want to rest them all...I don't know how much horse like I was but certainly turning into donkey with continuous-monotonous overload.

Even though its valentine's day it has got no reason for me to write, but...I got a very special reason to write. I got a my first post-job call from a Singaporean company today. When i had given the telephonic interview, it went very smooth but as advertised it was a job offer for person having 6+years of exp., and I can't believe I have converted the call...Anyway

Sorry, Not Possible Anymore

Despite of all my efforts to not to put my problems before others and instead putting efforts to make other feel more confortable talking me and getting relaxed saying there own problem, I am back were i started. My friend complaining I am changed, I am not able to look in the problem as efficiently as before and worse that after talking me they are still more disserted! something which I heard in my UG days and I left that selfish person....It looks the time has come again. Sorry that I can't carry on my spirit anymore.

Disco Rickshaw

Auto-rickshaws are part of urbanization of new India; auto-rickshaw with tempered meters, or even without that, or not ready to go with meters even if meter is there; but that is all common and nothing new to talk about and what i find is something very special about auto-rickshaws in Hyderabad is the music system. Music systems of good quality is nothing new in family and luxury four-wheelers, but auto rickshaws in Hyderabad have a big music system with two-big speakers in rear part supported by very fast-n-wild Telgu music taste of their drivers. The default sound of these systems is so high that you feel to be in a disco and music is banging your head and thus, even if the rickshaw is going slow the music make you feel everything is very fast. I don't know its there love for music or mode of creating illusion for the person seated but it comes like a unwarranted demand before you and ends only with your short journey. Its your choice, you are going to Enjoy or Adjust!

Dosti Ke Naam Par

Relations are changing day by day and there orientation too; some are getting closer while some are going still away. friendship is one such relation which we come across all along our life, everyday and to prove its worth everyone does something or other when it is close and also when it is no more close, even when it means nothing for them anymore; all for Dosti ke naam par.
Looking into my acquaintances what people do for me on Dosti ke naam par....
-some still call me once or twice in a month or two.
-some try to prove that they miss me.
-some feel that some part of there monthly recharge is to be discharged by calling me to prove friendship.
-some don't forget to talk to me in chat if they find me.
-some pretend that they were all in thought of calling me only, as i called.
-some scrap on some occasions and keep forwarding there junk in my mailbox.
-some send sms funny jokes to share the moment.
-some keep waiting till I call and start talking like they themselves have called me and had well ready with idea what all to talk about and what all to ask for in the short call.
-some don't forget to remind me about what all are my responsibility since I have been friendly to...
Whatever, but everyone has something or other for the name of friendship to serve