अच्छा है डच नहीं मैं ...

आमतौर पर विदेश में पहुचने के बाद लोगों को वहां कि संस्कृति और सभ्यता में सम्मोहित होते वक़्त नहीं लगता है, कुछ तो अपने हमवतन और उससे जुडी हर चीज को इतनी सफाई से नजर अंदाज़ कर जाते हैं कि जैसे वो कभी उससे कभी जुड़े ही नहीं थे! जो भी हो पर यहाँ पहुचने के ४ महीनों में ही मुझे भारतीय सिस्टम जिसको हम सब आये दिन गाली देते हैं पर कई बार फक्र महसूस हुआ. उसमे सबसे बड़ी बात है हमारे लोगों में पायी जाने वाली सहस्तितव कि भावना. भारी विसमता के होते हुए भी कहीं ना कहीं एक दुसरे से जुड़े हुए होते हैं, पर यहं सब कुछ उल्टा है. सब कुछ फोर्मल है यहाँ, बच्चे माँ-बाप, दोस्त दोस्त से appointment ले कर मिलते हैं और सबसे मजेदार बात ये कि यहाँ तक कि पति-पत्नी भी जब रेस्टुरेंट जाते हैं तो खाना भले ही साथ-साथ खाएं पर बिल अलग-अलग अपना अपना पे करते हैं! ये सब to इनका हाल है और इस बस formalities के बीच व्यवस्था कि पोल तब खुल जाती है जब हम उससे व्यवथा से जुड़ते हैं, उसमे सबसे ताज़ा घटनाएं मेरे लैपटॉप के रिपेयर करने कि कोशिश और होलैंड में मेरा पहली बार हॉस्पिटल का चक्कर लगाने से जुडी हैं. लैपटॉप को जो की यहाँ १५ दिनों के लगातार प्रयास से निराश हो कर जब भारत भेजा तो वहां कुछ दिनों में ही सही कर दिया. और फिर दूसरा तब जब मेरा पैर जिसमे सूजन जो की कम नहीं हो रही थी को लेकर आज जब हॉस्पिटल पंहुचा तो यहाँ से वहां और वहां से यहाँ ढेरों सिस्टम्स के जाल का फांश के फस मैं घंटों लंगड़ाता घूमता रहा, और फिर ये जाने के बाद की कोई टूट-फूट नहीं है, अंततः बिना दावा पाए ही घर लौट आया क्यूँ की दावा चाहिए तोह फिर के चक्कर लगाना पड़ता दूसरी जगह जाने का...और उसकी भी गारंटी नहीं की मिलेगी ही क्यूँ की आम तौर पे डॉक्टर यहाँ घर जा कर आराम करने की ही सलाह देते हैं...धन्य है हम भारतीय हैं...कम से -कम अपना बैक-अप तो अच्छा है...

हम क्या चाहते हैं

पिछले दिनों घर की सीढ़ी से फिसलने के बाद पैर में आई सूजन ने फिर एक बार मम्मी  के दर्द को याद दिलाया. RA के  चलते मम्मी को पैर में सूजन एक आम घटना बन गयी थी हम सबके लिए और जाहिर सी बात हैं की उसके पेन से हम सब अनजान थे या की जान कर भी कुछ हद तक अनजान थे. पर इन सब बातों और दर्द के साथ, जितने के कहीं कम पर मैंने ऑफिस से छुट्टी ले रख्खी है, वो हर रोज ऑफिस और उस बहाने हम सब की सलामती के दरखास्त लिए मंदिर-मंदिर घूमती. भगवन के होने या ना होने के या हो कर भी बेहद निष्ठुर होने की बात में जायें तो उनकी सब दौड़-भाग बेकार जान पड़ती है, जैसा की हम सब को लगती भी थी पर उन सब से अलग उनकी कोशिश उस पूरे दर्द के असर पर प्रश्न अवश्य खड़ा करती है, कि बड़ा दर्द कौन सा, मेरा या तुम्हारा. अपने दर्द के प्रति ऐसी उदासीनता कम से कम ये तो हमें सिखा ही जाती है कि, ये जरूरी नहीं कि हम क्या जानते हैं, जरूरी ये है कि हम क्या चाहते हैं.

It was a B'day Party!

Birthday party leaves me surprised, this had never happened to me before. But, it was really something different, different enough to surprise any Indian atleast. With a knowledge that one of our colleague has birthday today and wants us to be there in a bar in city-center (nothing odd if you know you are in west) we all went there after office. Party was good and we enjoyed our drinks and company of each-other for the evening but then it was time to go. Time to go but the surprise to come, and the surprise of, the way it was all ending. Everyone, took out his wallet and started paying for their drinks, n I was looking it all amazed and stunned..completely clueless, "whats this, it was a party by someone only sometime back!!!". Anyway, me too paid and walked out, but later only come to know that, this is the way they party...u have to choose your drinks, have it...n then pay for your drinks and leave!

In coherent thought still

Not a single morning still starts without my mothers thought...every day eye-opener thought! why we she left so early, if I had done this she may be there, If I had done that it all would have never happened! n so on the infinite possibilities... I don't want to dissociate myself from her, neither forget her, but the tearful mornings are ending in no energy for our shared dream! I am normal to everyone around now, much more as before...but hate to be intimate to anyone! especially when they try to show them caring me...I ain't ready to allow anyone to puncher the layer of last soft memories of my mother anymore!

Feel the Gap!

Days going pulse counter like fast, with every instance to find it's value. Our reason to be here is certainly not an heavenly error or outcome of some natural disaster; is even though not a planned looks -like space, but it needs us to be planned atleast, an organized crowd, a civilization or a society! Inherently our actions are so much beyond reasons that, we have neither a reason to walk nor to stop...but we all have been running the same race, with thats the only reason for it to be; race which fuses off somewhere suddenly and co-runners keep their self running with to a distance back glance to feel the gap

Father of Undivided India

Read Nathuram's last speech today and had seen "Mee Nathuram Godse Boltoy" some days back, it was all a great experience of looking back in history towards the martyrs of India who sacrificied their life for their ideoligies. History can't be re-written if said correctly, but the history we learn through our books right from schools looks to be highly influenced and biased by governing people. A very promising line of play saying, "he is ready to live for his values, and I am ready to die for mine.' Our history has tried to ignore all those people who struggled and died for there values, which would have made a undivided India.

Fight for Sustainable

An interesting fact came across today during the lecture, which says the thing which has contributed most to the Art and Aesthetics is love and the most for Science and Technology is war. No doubt that their is no way to put the love and the war on same table, but for a time been it gives war a acceptable place in society; society which taps their back for excellent development but the actual divining force is anti-social...what an irony...probably says that you can't achieve anything unless you are aggressively fond of it.

The Grey and the Green

Generally people ask me, what is the change over here in Delft w.r.t. India, and I have to tell something odd and escape out of it as if I say culture is different, I'll be betraying our land of diverse culture so change of culture should be something very unnoticeable to an Indian, if  i say skin colour probably I am going racist, and if I say food habit I will be crying for me being vegetarian. By the way I got a good difference between India and NL which really make two people different, it is the way we enjoy our freedom! ....here you can kiss on the road but you cannot piss on the road and there in India you can piss on the road, but kiss!!! no way, you are vulgar, you are spoiling the culture! No comment on freedom, cultures and their types.

technostart

First day to start my course on technology business taught me the lesson that the good technology is not the only one which is stolen. And it crushed my old idea of competing in new market with old technology to bring the new idea and the sky is much beyond that. I was just a beginner in the learning of entreprenuerial art, but it is really a very interesting experience to start learning the venturing skill. As dream is still alive to start my own venture, needs a lot to prove that it was not a mere dream!

The Ugly Freedom

Feeling freedom as never before now a days, free as if no accountability, no body to worry, no one to care. Its all about me, myself and I here. When I reached here, one of my friend took me to a workshop on Dutch Culture and their idea of freedom. I fairly speeking was not agree with it, but now find myself in a similar situation where I am really free, freedom which I never wished for. After returning from India it has been completely different experience for me, learning to live without all what I care about...like flying in a zero gravity region.

30-one more day

Like time waits for no one, toady its exactly a month past for it. Running in the race of life, the realization of the pain is less probably because have to run too fast now a days..too many courses, assignments and exams all in head-to-head. But, its very frustrating to see, living for the God...Just to live for his world to go on, and one fine day die to let it go even on and on. Where is the difference in human and the animals; the buildings, the short termed choked troth emotion, the life-cycle with more assembled look-like transition... but is that all!

The Big Day

Its was a big day of my blog today, my blog which started the day country got Mahatma five years ago, I lost my mother today, now the most painful day of my life. No more inspiration, no more reason to reason about. Her life was a message for us, and her death was recap of her life journey, with the pain she was carring towards the ends...better ended! although not so easy to accept it. The picture of our family has lost the focal center. This is meaningless to say that we're not going live without her, surely hard to image ourself without, the content which made us whatever we are is gone. All Sand Castle now.

Change!

Change is something which we sometimes like and mostly don’t because it breaks our settlement, but with happiness or with disappointment, we are bound to accept it. There is nothing stable in this world even as per most scientifically established principle, but than what is that change which we feel most in spite of occurring continuous? The change is nothing but invasion of two different futures in different speed. So if this future even invade in unison it will be hard to find the change in surrounding. So, the changes which are as certain as the past and the future of the present are designed to look like so.

The black and The white

Nothing of the race, it’s about the life again. We all come across difficult time in life which willingly or unwillingly needs to be face. We do it boldly or lay before it that depends on us. The greatness of life is in the fact where we come out of it to become better, prove the toughness that we are ready for even worst, lit a light of the hope in all darkness for a way forward.

Thawing life

Life has taken a 360˚ turn in last one year. This time last year I was in Hyderabad with my mother with some coughing problem which was unknowingly developing as lung cancer in her. I was busy with my life in Dr. Reddy’s, working hard to meet my work-life challenges of day-today. On return from office, I had everyday goodtime of meeting my mother who use-to be busy in watching Sai-baba TV serial that time. I used to debate her on some ethical and mythological issues while she prepares and give me dinner, and then sleep for the next day office hungama. And now, there is no Hyderabad, no tension of office, but thing which makes the gap bigger is, no loving mother around me…to talk her, tease her, to argue her. She is struggling for a lesser painful death in India and I striving to survive here in Netherlands. The pain which was all around us but had not entered inside has penetrated badly inside now in both of us in this time. I am anyway going to survive out of it, but God, please if you really there somewhere, let her go without pain, you anyway going to get most precious gem of our life. Can’t you do this for us!

Man vs machine

Facing the most ugliest truth of life, when have to sit and plan a least painful death for my mother and get for the treatment accordingly. Mind never ever freezed so badly, now when such discussions start and my brothers expect my view on practical ground. having no mean to alleviate her pain and to let her live a normal life, its how meaningful to make her increasingly painful extended life. And extended life for what?; to let her feel that she is done with all her responsibilities, which is surely tail-less, or to solve my own satisfaction that I went for the medication to end of the possibilities resulting a very painful extension for few months.
Life conditions are showing their dirtiest face, forcing to treat my loveliest mother as a physical asset rather than a human.

Some thing like last inning

After seeing the worse than hell situation in Jamshedpur, we have brought mummy to Delhi back to her very first treatment providing hospital, which is meaningfully telling that it is going to be last also since the complications have been even though controlled for a very short time, have touched their worst end. And sitting beside mummy gives me a worst feeling of sitting on a bay and silently listening and watching the SOS! signal in a wait for ship to sink. Ship which is carrying all my resource of "all physical and emotional support". After previous incidences it was clear that this all is bound to happen a day but so soon, and on such time when again I am planning to go away from her, some what more away in physical term. Why always I have to sit on fulcrums!

Need that Opium More

People in pain often move for dope, and so as I, with a bit difference. It's dope from Karl Marx's dictionary according to whom "Religion is the opiate of the people". Life situations have bent me more towards God, loving more to think in term of Karmanye Vadhikaraste Ma Phaleshu Kadachana...... Probably that's the only way to get out of my pain and give a reason to my helplessness and prevent myself from breaking down. Everyday brings some or other bad news with a feeling of slowly brittiling surroundings. Long way to go in this darkness, don't know this dope is sufficient for this night or not.

Not More Than a Dummy

Whenever-wherever life needs me to give my 100% love and care to people I am attached with, I find myself in great dilemma, mostly fail to make myself available for the time. Loose the purpose of me being there in such instances and that too when 'am not in some great business! I am just doing what others do, n keep the things going around them. sometime feel that i am just practicing for some of my own life fiasco, where i will be left alone to face the consequences. Life and its choices always amaze me, and will keep me puzzling as ever.

Delhi Again.

Reached Delhi again today for my visa interview, things went fine and everything got completed so early as if completed with start itself. Thereafter went to see my friends and given them surprise information of me leaving India. A life is no way an easy thing to handle with and so was the tour. Started for here in a scene when my train journey ticket got canceled due to no-confirmation and reached here between heat and annoyance of too long journey as I got no other option. Anyway, it was a good day today when I met my school and college mates in a mall, got some time to share with them, recall some memories of past. Finally at my brothers place, ready to leave back to my workplace again...no other go!!!

Shattered to Pieces

Don't know why but every time in ups-and-downs of any relationship now I very easily start realising that everything has ended and no remedial thing is possible. Even start the preparation to to adjust and live with the left space. Why i am in so hurry to end-up all around and go alone don't know but one thing I feel always that nothing is going stay for long with me, atleast the people I love to live with, I can't steal time out of my life...just trying to live with the developing scenarios! how helpless and weak the past incidences of life have left me!!!

Concept of Time

Long back I read that, The concept of time, is the concept of mind! now I realise it when sometime I see the behaviour of people around me. When my mother was diagnosed for cancer at final stage people suddenly became so caring and humble about her, everyone asking how many more days. Now when the treatment seems to be working fine she is looking not just all about to go, same people are back on there regular behaviour; complaining, anguished and denying her as earlier. Shaking me! Do we need to die to get others love? Are we all just waiting to say good words, give some care and love only if it has to follow the final good-bye! Good that nobody is going to stay here forever, good so that everyone will have some good words and care before this show ends-up...

Dread of Monday Again!

Life which was running in a narrow gauge of batches after batch has bit widen to week time. Monday afternoon starts the week which don't know when suddenly ends up with Sunday morning. No Fresh air, no extra desire, everything looks so automated that waiting for a bang to bring some flavor. Weekends bring some time and space to think beyond job but by the time eyes wide open and the blood-vessels pump in the freshness Monday returns. And the same story starts. Why there is always that dreadful Monday after the Sunday!!!

Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish

Its a phrase form a book for its last edition, but I came across it few days back when one of my friend directed me to listen a speech by Steve Jobs to Stanford's Scholar in 2005. the speech was all about his 3 stories of his life which were surely very inspiring but the the magical ending was the with the comment that "Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish". Initially I was surprised, what it really mean to be, then i got it! If you want to grow stay hungry for knowledge, stay curious and that curiosity should be of innocent and naive. there shouldn't be anything which can guide you or make you biased in learning. And as long as you are hungry and foolish, no one stop you from achieving you goal.

Limits of Love and Degree of Friendship

We need everything measurable in this world, Success, dream desire, friendship and even the love along with the material things. And measurement brings the standardisation, degree and limits for all. How come relations of hearts can be manhandled by tools of mind I don't know. But in today's quick-start world people want everything ready made and predefined. Bad for all!
A Bashir Badr sher comes in my memory:

Parakhna Mat-Parakhne Mein Koyii Aapna Nahiin Rehta

Kissi Bhii Aaeene Mein Der Tak Chehra Nahiin Rehta

Breaking of Dream and Breaking of Desire

Its like question of burning with fire or with steam, what is more painful and hearting...Everyone seems crying some for there broken dreams as if they want to stay asleep always, others for broken desires which they made. Whatever, but anything without solid foundation and action going to break only. The Star Thrower story from Loren Eiseley which I learnt during a management program in my on job training still in my memory:

Vision without action is merely a dream.
Action without vision just passes the time
Vision with action can change the world.

Quest of the Real Self

This world, which looks to be the factory outlet of God...we keep moving in quest of some unknown destination which ends up with our end only and finally mean the same of everyone here. Are we all made to achieve different goals of life showing no synchronisation, or we all are working for the same goal, just with different part. If it is same for everyone, then what is that? Aren't we killing our own happiness by imposing more and more obligations over ourselves, of which none are natural. Culture, religion, caste, country, we want to adopt as many things as possible which make us involved in activities other than all what we want for ourself. Sometime I feel we are all although living our own life, but living someone else wishes, dreams and desires which may not value now. Anyway, atleast I know I need to look for me to realise my real self.

The Stats of Life

I was reading about the assignable and unassignable cause in stats which make the process more robust and reliable towards application. The same stats applies to the process of life were every aspect has an assignable or sometime unassignable cause towards it, and so are the people and the relationships around us. We can count dozens of people around us whom we feel to be loving us…really, isn't it? When I say love I didn't mean to the one which occurs commonly in Bollywood movies. Anyway, and against each name we can put a reason or the assignable cause of love which we feel is there. I still remember a neighboring aunty was how sweet as long as her phone call used to come at my home..We used to say it phoon ka rista, then and after it ended. So, this big list will definitely have a bigger part of these complementary names and the causes and the little few with name without unassignable cause. But contrary to other processes these unassignable ones which mean the most in process of life. Some name it as their true love and accept like that, some still keep searching the reason, the search which ends only by the time it's too late!

Nationalism fido

I big argument started in my mind few days back when in an informal discussion one of my colleague said, "the idea of nationalism is waste, how old it is, not even a few decades?". The discussion ended then and there itself but it gave me a point to think about, which I also agreed lately. Our school old pledge of...all Indians are brothers and sisters, isn't giving us a foundation for the the wall which we create in life later towards the rest of world and slowly that tendency makes us to make some more walls for insiders. It's OK that some are brothers and sisters but why aren't others. The crop of most of the terrorism across world have grown over the same soil of intellectual partitioning in our mind on the name of nationalism. Do we really need to be classified as a nation or a region or so...isn't it true that whatever, wherever we are we always like to relate ourselves with the root and the idea of bounding people from moving across globe is against humanity. In fact, any idea which allows people to differentiate themselves from other people is waste, either its religion, area, race, color or the nation itself. Only true thing which works is humanity which we really need in all of us across these thick walls.

First time tourist

In between I got a chance to visit Puri, Bhuvneshwar and Kolkata. My visit to Puri was like seen my home place after long time, everything same as Varanasi, same vibes, same smell which can't say is good or bad! same crowd looking ready to welcome, and even the same pandas ready to rob you on the name of God if you ever loosened your pocket. Several times even I got caught in such people and escaped based on my experience. Anyway first time seeing the Sea and Bhagwan Jagannath's Darsan was very much satisfying wish of mine since long time. Between Puri and Bhuvneshwar I also saw Sun Temple of Konark, Buddhist temple near place of famous Kaling Yuddha, Lingraj temple of Lord Shiva and Caves of Khandgiri and Udaygiri. After that I returned to Puri railway station to leave for my next tour destination Kolkata where I reached in an overnight journey. I had no travel guide, and no earlier preparedness to be there except names of few famous places so was completely clueless about where to start. Called up my brother and thereafter Kankana with a hope that will get some help, which only helped me in giving courage but no direction to start. Anyway best thing about our country, the over supporting people worked, I got into a bus for Kali Ghat, reached after one change but was the most ambiguous to find the way to get into temple. Anyway, followed a Panda and finally reached also, to see Goddess and say my wish with great hope. Came out to reach the next destination told to me earlier by metro rail, The Victoria Memorial Museum and the Calcutta Museum where I was surprised to see the way people where keenly reading the most boring subject of History roaming all around. Following people I also made the round around and came out to go to my next destination, the cheapest market ever seen Dharmtala. It was a amazingly cheap for all goods but didn't get anything except a bag and a cap for my brother's son from the market. Here I got the most special experience of my life, traveled in Tram- the train running on road unlike other vehicles, careful about the road traffic!!! Evening went with myself roaming in the same street after which I returned to Hawrah railway station to catch the train to my brother's place. Journey ended with lots of good memories and now looking forward to have next.

Some more days in Jharkhand

Sorry, the story telling about my visit stopped because of internet server failure here in my brother's place but anyway they are still with memories. The next day of me coming here, the most amazing thing was the 23 years sacked person brought to my brother's house since courts don't run on holidays and presenting before magistrate is compulsory before apprehending anyone. So, when they returned I simply asked what that fellow did, pick-pocketed!? and the reply was shocking, killed his neighbour in wordily quarrels between their wives which went high...I thought what a peak of nonsense..but my brother corrected me, "that's culture here". Another interesting thing that complemented the act was the collection of Handiya outside every house and its special smell, been told that its a local wine prepared by tribes here and is something which keeps them flying high for everyday-all time; which allows them to do whatever-wherever. But the last thing comes in mind about the people and the area here is the situation, which has not developed or not let to develop with developing India. Who is responsible, the stupid doped people there, their political and social leaders which don't want the area to develop since they will loose there value thereafter, or the entire system which never cares about his vicious symbiosis between the predators and prey.

Spitomaniac

I was there in Jamshedpur for last 3 days. The most amazing thing to see there in spite of a hospital-without-hospitality was the beauty and the planning of the city. The city with very clean surrounding, with non of those poster from khaini-underwear-hydrosil treatment kind of... But there still one thing which was not allowing the city to be clean enough..the spitomaniac people- who keep spitting every minute, all around the places irrespective of were they are. Can't say what make them do so but at least they had forbidden eyes to see their act what they doing...God help those people.

God, fright and corrupt country

I was there in MTMH, Jamshedpur for my mother's chemotherapy today were I encountered the same sign of giveupness among people all around. Even though it was a private hospital, the culture and environment there was very much like any government system were every person, from office staff to ward nurse where acting tiered from the zeroth hour of their job. In the scene people who were there to attend the patients were angry but not agitated, hopeless but polite to devils of that system. And I was no exception in between, and which was making me think why is so, why we people are tolerant to all these devils sitting in soother's place...people said because they have apprehension that the doctor and/or the treatment may get affected if they raise the voice, which obviously had no historical foundation. But again the same question comes that why such fear is always filled in our mind, why all the reason bring us to the only conclusion of inaction to bad thing. This problem is deep rooted in our inheritance, our all time habit to look towards God to be problem free and that how our silence give consent to those systemic-devils and their corrupt action.

From Concrete Jungle to Real One

After long time I have come to Jharkhand to my brothers place and feeling like my return to India in its own. Getting up early morning when I peeped out side from my window nature was in its such a raw state that even my train and the railway stations passing by were looking mismatch or misconfigured somehow. Property and prosperity had changed its complete face last night when I was sleeping in my train. Everything lying in such a naive state that you can't reason it. But getting down the train at Chakradharpur railway station I saw some more tongue twisters. Probably elections happened several times in this part of India also since it happened in others, and a Big hording with smiling face of Rahul Gandhi- the new political hope of India was also there to support my guess but there was lesser signs of road, electricity, health services, schools which may had come with governance there in last 50 years. The story is going to be continued in my next two week stay here...

The Two Worlds

When we see by our open eyes we clearly see two worlds, one is full of joy other with no sense of it, one with lot optimism other with a new day to make it out anyhow, one with all open avenues other with his broken surrounding...all from same God! God, who is kind, soothing, forgivable, judicious to treat all equally. But then why is it so, why only with some, and even if it is where is our God?!!! Is he really somewhere?

Leave to Live with, Leave to Die with...

There was a time when we promise to live-together for years-after-year with a indifference to any obstruction and now when we really need to mean those words we have no time for that. Going for a leave to see my mother; live with her for sometime. Time which she don't have much and so as will be me for a different reason. Our own ambitions of life leave us in such an ambiguity which can only be solved by God. One such situation quoted from Bhagwad gita which matches that of mine.

kim no rajyena govinda
kim bhogair jivitena va
yesham arthe kanksitam no
rajyam bhogah sukhani ca

ta ime ’vasthita yuddhe
pranams tyaktva dhanani ca
acaryah pitarah putras
tathaiva ca pitamahah

matulah svasurah pautrah
syalah sambandhinas tatha
etan na hantum icchami
ghnato ’pi madhusudana

api trailokya-rajyasya
hetoh kim nu mahi-krte
nihatya dhartarastran nah
ka pritih syaj janardana

"O Govinda, of what avail to us are a kingdom, happiness or even life itself when all those for whom we may desire them are now arrayed on this battlefield? O Madhusudana, when teachers, fathers, sons, grandfathers, maternal uncles, fathers-in-law, grandsons, brothers-in-law and other relatives are ready to give up their lives and properties and are standing before me, why should I wish to kill them, even though they might otherwise kill me? O maintainer of all living entities, I am not prepared to fight with them even in exchange for the three worlds, let alone this earth. What pleasure will we derive from killing the sons of Dhritarashtra?"

Grab the Cap

Days are flying from the hands with lot of things undone, even untouched. The feelings of having very less time to do what all i want to do is always there with me, but the pain increases when people try to acquire my own work to put their name. So much selfishness spills out of their action that whole purpose of hard work is killed for credit taking. From last few weeks observing that the two layers of primary and secondary gowns are not just covering my body but slowing masking my head, my thinking process. In such situation the killing of motivation of mine by peers worsen the scene.

Life Auditing

Seen Dasvidaniya today! really a good one after long time! reminded me of my JNU days and my professor's assertion that, what he will say to God that have given to world after he death. And his pain appears on his face with a calm answer, "Probably nothing". This afterlife questionnaire use to impress me sometime but what about self-success and achievement, is it all about afterlife. Nothing for today?!! The question was really greatly addressed in the movie and the chase of life for undone dreams of self is how much important is shown. After all who has seen the afterlife if you are dieing out of undone dreams in life. Whatever you do, this way quest will always remain unseen.

Tears to tare

The www of life is as simple to watch and as complex to solve. In between this journey of mine I found that making and breaking of relation which is told to depend on sharing of good time, common cause, same vibes (I really don't know where this vibe exist around us) as in books hardly exists. we talk to people, make a bridge of relation also sometime, but mostly those relations are virtual. They retain only till we have a open talk for it, we are ready to listen, speak-out and accept the reality which may right or wrong. If tears exist along with smiles, if good memories get priority along with learning from bad one. As the time is moving very fast such relations exist rarely; everything seems material and incomplete! Jagjit Singh ki ek gazhal ki lines bahut yaad aa rahin hain aaj...

Badla na apne aap ko jo the wahi rahe,

Milte rahe sabhi se magar ajnabi rahe.

Duniya na jit pao to haro na khud ko tum,

Thodi bahot to zahen mein narazgi rahe.

Power of 10

This story comes from deep inside my memories, from the time when a ten rupees note was really a power. Can't say exactly but probably it was time when I was in my KG's only in school and had a great craze of ice-cream (nothing exceptional). Unlike any-middle class family we didn't had any access like pocket-money on regular basis and was only delivered on continual demand; and there somehow demand-supply dis-balance provoked me to steal money from my mother's purse which was ofcourse the most accessible source to me. Anyway in a hurry mixed fright I took a 10 RS. note, the power of which I was so far unknown. The day past with my desire to listen the last bell and be the first to see the ice-cream thela and finally the time came. I was not knowing my favorite ice-cream cost only 1rs probably the costliest of that time, so the problem aroused; what to do with the remaining 9 Rs. I gave it back to the shopkeeper with the same reluctance which we see in celluloid when people say keep the change. But it was not a celluloid, people were still honest in my small town so he gave it back to my rickshaw-wala with full story. His story ended with a start of a new story in my rickshaw with all eyes looking over me like I have been caught robbing a bank in daylight! anyhow our rickshaw reached at home and atleast 4-5 of of my co-traveller in my rickshaw caught my left and right hand tightly as if I will ran-away if they will not hold me tightly and my home is a sort of police station where I have to be convicted. Story after this has almost faded in my memory probably had nothing great to leave any impact on my mind...probably my parents didn't took it as seriously as my previous encounters and the entire issue pushed under carpet. But it left back a memory in my mind about how much powerful a 10 Rs can be when you don't know how to spend it!!!

My First day In first Job

After more than one and a half years of my joining my first job in Dr. Reddy's Lab here in Hyderabad, it may be surprising that I am writing about my first day on first job, but it recalled me all because of action of few of my new friends with absolutely low energy and excitement for new happenings of life. Anyway, that day was very much special for me and we( me and my room-mate Kishore) were the only witness for the moment to each other. Neither of us had good sleep that night, can't say because of the feeling of new tomorrow after that night or the chilling AC in our room in guest-house or both. Finally, we got up at 5am for the preparedness to leave for office-bus at 7,30 am even though we were knowing that its not going to take much time. After little-bit of uncertainty aboutwere to start, whom to talk I got the final room were all like me people were being collected for Induction and other joining formalities. Days were nothing special thereafter accept the food in guest-house which I still remember when sometime I find good food in Hyderabad. and thats how the journey started which is still going with all ups-and-downs.

Silence...some more time!

Got an I-pod some days back, not for the purpose which it is serving now. Now-a-day feeling lot of irritation talking to people around me and just get settle with my i-pod in the ear to ignore all the fuzz. Something is changing inside me, something is making me shrink myself. Don't feel much to express. Even today very hardly convinced myself to write at least this on my blog. Some thoughts keep roaming all inside to keep me restless which really ain't seems to be yielding!...

Sleepless as never before

Don't know but since I have returned from Delhi ,there have been not a single night when i had a good sleep for even 6 hours .This inspite of exahustive day time and no sleep in between. Intially I thought its just another change because of place, may be because of yoga but as the the time is passing by and things are still the same this question comes in my mind what exactly making me to do so. I can nither forget nor forgive myself for whatever went and still going in my life. Never found as insensitive before...find myself sleeping even with open eyes.

With All Odds

Really its a great mismatch about me. In all walks of life from study, job, ethics to relation, this mismatch is the one common phenomena...which in some of my friends word is called confused personality - a dangerous symptom. Whatever, I am not worried since it is what make me different. I always hated biology and chemistry and I became a Biochemical engineer. I always had a research and analysis bent in my vision and I started my job in production where everything is locked and any deviation to it is a deficiency. I am never a believer of God but I like to listen to him and spiritual ideas are as much important to me as any other scientific idea. I always hated Bengalees and stayed away from girls for no obvious reason while making friends and truth of present is that almost all of my good friends are bengalees with a best friend a Bengali girl..and lot more odds which continue...even increasing everyday.

Kill for God, Live for God

Karl Marx's quote that "religion is the opiate of the masses" holds it significance in new world even were his major idea of communism has already lost its value and all equations have change. The Mumbai blasts have prove that even in a country like India where our thousands of years of culture and civilisation has reinforced the spiritualism and humanity in living, where people get get up with a name of God and sleep with the same, people are not safe from those who Kill for God. No God says or allows the killing of a innocent but this fight for killing and living for the God persists because of ideas of few people to rule the world with on there own conditions.

Ceasefire with God

The chase for success continues and so do the real time hurdles and problems all where in life. I always had a thought that I can win though all odds; manly or heavenly. I don't know weather I never believed in God or always tried to pretend it of. I have being purist, a lover of Krishna not as a god but more of my friend whom I can see anytime for my problem, his Bhagwad Gita to guide me in my life. Then came the time to realise the real heat of life when bundles of problems started coming and cobbing into each other. Thanks my friend was always there with me to give me wisdom and path to follow. I definitely have not turned into theist but surely find my self more loving and closer to nature.

At Last...

After long time good news have started coming to me...Kankana's selection in IIT was the opener one, followed by a word that my mothers blood reports are showing improvements in her health rather than worsening of the situation which although gave only a little hope but in such a time when I was starved for a one good news everything seems to be a blockbuster to me. Don't know how much success our faith is going to get for us but atleast some reversal of situation which had developed all around gives me the hope! hope that things will be alright again for everyone.

SOS!!!

Last day events have affected my life badly, so badly that I am responding skeptical about every thing around. Don't know probably because of an afraid of getting alone without my mother who was always there to care and protect me. Now I see myself questioning everything, everytime which earlier I use to skip...so much resistant to change that sometime just like to close my ears, when find myself helpless. I can feel the fissures of my heart full of pain, hatred and indifference. Some days have completely changed everything of my life, when I was looking for the meaning of life and was busy to make my big dream come true, life has given such a big shock that neither the life mean to me nor the dream... but finally where its all leading me to is going to be surprise.
Lets c!!!

Question Which I Can't Answer

Life is becoming too much ambiguous...surrounded by too many questions, answer of which I don't want to give; not even listen in background of the worst accident of my life so far. Accident because my mother whom I love most has been diagnosed for lung cancer in final stage, which in simple language means that the reverse count for the D-day has started. Finding myself completely helpless and weak as never before but can't even express myself to my mother whom I have been saying it all when ever before. Have to give her dreams about that one day she will be fine as before, one day I will take her to holy places which i had already promised her for, one day I will bring her back to my place in Hyderabad where still all her belongings are lying, one day...!!! That one day which I know is not going to come... my promises will stay undone, so as I will...incomplete, without her.

Balancing Terror

Politics have never been clean in India but its growing worse by day. In the new political system on the name of secularism they can balance every thing...even the terrorist. As the name of a Hindu activist Sadhvi Pragya Singh Thakur has come in Malegaon blasts it is a breeze for the pseudo secular political community, for whom it's like their dream come true to prove that the other terrorist activities are more of a retaliation rather than terror attack by the other community. In background of this they want to curtain the baseline support to such terrorists by their community and indirectly by them for some votes which is no where in Hindus of India..

Today..Tomorrow...n No-Tomorrow

Some live in today...some for better tomorrow and other for after life...but this race for today, tomorrow and even after don't let us stay happy at any point of time. I feel human by its nature is a unsatisfied creature who is always worried for one or the other reason. If he is not happy, he feels why is it with him, if he is happy he feel this is of no mean unless his future is full of happiness and slowly with the age and some time even before once he gets out of desires of happiness for his today and tomorrow the new worry of good after life comes with him and finally he remains unhappy in this kind-of his shadow chasing event.

Soul of Terrorism

A big debate is going on all around the world over terrorism and its support and growth in society. And in last few years the way people of a particular religious belief have been found to be involved and supporting the terrorism the question comes that whether every person of that community should be seen as a terrorist or why all terrorist are from the same community. The way hatred and alignment has increased for this community all round the world as aftermath its right time to make a serious call among the people from this community to realign themselves in the society. Start condemning the people involved in such activities on bigger stages and unto depth and give a support by not allowing any terrorist activity in and around them.

Middle Class Love Stories Crafted with High Class Knits

When it comes to love, people say it has no bar of age, riches, race or religion, but it’s truer on reel life rather than real life. And also when it comes to love life people don’t forget to index their success rate. The real life love stories definitely get boost from reel life where all comforts of life and a unidirectional problem guide the success at the end but it’s not the same for the real one. The complex relation of love in real life faces problem not just from outside world but also the challenges of sustenance for overwhelming love in between all the problems of love. In such situation one without solid foundation looses its vigor by time and only remains the wretches of sweet memories of past and in between this all, the all what is blamed is love…love which was probably not there if seen exactly.

Global Thoughts Local Priorities

World is becoming smaller day by day with the thought of globalization in all walks of life but is this thought growing in a healthier way. The tendency to question has grown, grown so much in the democracy like India that politician and there counterpart media is not even hesitant to question the sacrifice of martyr...and to look global even talking about the larger group interest has become crime...You can't talk of Hindu rights since they are majority, on the same time a big group is ready to question the apprehension of terrorists because they are from a minority group. Talking of hindu is communilism, and supporting a terrorist only because he is muslim is nohow a communal call. Standards are fixed and applicable in all areas of decision making; to look neutral close you eye and blindly support the smaller group irrespective of right and wrong.

Likes, Dislikes and Mean to be Nothing

Life in itself is the biggest examination where we are tested for all orientation. Sometime we enjoy being there to share happiness, the other time satisfied to share the pain. Sometime we exaggerate out of sorrow of not being there for the happy time, the other time we disown the pain. The emerging vanishing relations in this play of life blow it out even more. In last days, some of those instances and people have made me look life in different paradigm. Relations which are don’t know how much own, people all looking for their own chance to play, No emotion, no submission, everything is opportunity rest all is Nothing.
Again life is becoming robotic for me again; people already started noticing that change.

Flatter World and Thicker Wall

Was reading a journal article over Blogs, censorship and civic discourse in China to prevent political activism against current systems and for democracy, but the the issue of censorship is not just limited to some anarchic rulers but also with several institutions worldwide who filter and censor the Internet browsing in there facility on the name of policy and privacy which creates lot of annoyance and misinformation among the users. The freedom to choose and morality to deliver the job are always there as natural filter for everyone there. I don't think any restrictions anyhow guide people for their way and approach towards life and access to world by any means. The high speed internet all around the globe and the other means of communications have definitely made the world more flatter and in every one's reach, but on the same time the way hatred has increased because of many socioeconomic reasons, this new flatter world is looking to be more and more compartmentalised by walls of increased thickness of that all.

Impossible is As Possible

Its a mile stone day on my blog today as of completion of fourth eventful year but the buzz of Gandhi is still around us, not just because of the day but also because of happenings all around. Day-today bomb-blast news has dried not just our eyes but also the heart which is becoming more or less accustomed to all odds. World economy is on other side at its bad days and people in India still in deception even after 60years of freedom, ready to believe all rumours and get in panic out of it. You must be thinking, But what Gandhi has to do with this all? may you be true but I'm afraid you are not this time. Gandhi had not fought against the imperialism, not even for the self governance...his fight was against our own. The own which differentiates between self and non-self, which wad full of apprehension rather than awareness or understanding of something. His fight against the own was named non-voilence since voilance was the most executed form of it but not the last and it will continue till any form of own will remain with us, unless untill that become we. Its a great target and we all have to work to make it true. Its not that everything is poosible in this world, but we should also give chance to impossible.

Askew as asleep

What’s the purpose of life and what for we people wondering in this world, this antediluvian question is still perking inside me but between this I had a special feeling this morning. I thought with time I am loosing all my passion and just doing it all like machine but today the Me inside surprised me today when in office I just made it out in night shift to read the novel which I was reading with the same interest which I used to have in college days. Early morning just completed the rituals to get back into my book again. It was a pleasant feeling for me with a quelling question also for, Why its not there for the studies will really need my dying seriousness to get me out of this hell. Yes after long time I am using this word for my work place where about slowly I have learnt enjoy working, but whenever the question of purpose of life peels me out the place bring me doubt and a doubtful mind only finds the Hell in the choking environment of that.

Mutthi Bhar Chiller Gift

These days country-wide serial blasts are taking place and government of India is busy delivering everything about its responsibility of condemning, visiting blast survivor and distributing some money which is noway going to full fill the worth of loss, except taking serious actions to unearth the the people and system involve in it. Political commitment always come in between the decision and all efforts are wasted in decision making for which to see first...the anti-nation, terrorist organisations or organisation causing religious turmoil. Vote bank politics tries to put the balance between the two completely different avenues of terror. Between these all People of India are busy in collection coins as cost of there own, paid as cost of democracy in the nation.

Hell of Heaven

Again somemore killed in Kashmir during terrorist attack to a house, and now its just another story. Emotions brazen, tears got frozen, and people are back now in normal life like nothing happened only few hours back. But behind this a family remains which is shattered because of last shock.

Its hidden from no one that the pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime!!! It doesn't depend upon who you are or what you have or what you want but solely on what you THINK!!! And that thinking makes you a Mahatma or a Terrorist. But at the end your action have a great reflection over society, that's you surrounding including you n your most loved ones. Its your choice to provide them a Heaven or a Living Hell!!!

Again Question remains open for you to answer; Answer which is also a question in itself?!!

Where is Our Phelps

Michael Phelps is no more a name which needs introduction between those who loves sports and even beyond, but his achievement of 8-gold medals is not just a landmark in sporting history but a big question mark to country like us which hardly managed 1-gold and over-all 3 medals out of entire carnival for its 1 billion population. Its not just in the area of sports, its not just the matter of present, its something which is repeating everywhere-every time. From sports to technology, from arts to literature our performance has deteriorated and we have proved our self a looser everywhere which is completely disgusting and needs to be think over. My believer mother tells it to be Devbhoomi but why we don't have that zeal to excel any field. Needs to think over and bring the change to bring back our pride.

What I want!?

Life has become like race with sometime a shorter while most of the bigger target which always stay ahead to make me run! and in between all these challenges of life there always remains the question that, what I want?...some time look like myself running in a blind race in which I am heading nowhere...even after all my efforts even when I achieve something questions remains in mind that, "probably this is not something which I had demanded from life!!!"...totally confused as always! but can't stop even to sit and think of...

Sannate ki Dukan!

Everyone wants peace in life! peace to enjoy innerself...to execute himself; to feel the innerself of own...but he million doller curry is the source! where to get that peace?! In the great search people collect or sometime in real sense try to buy pieces of peace for life...and which give space to people in this tricy world a opportunity to capitalise this demand of people...different people, in differnt style, in different senario, with different approach claim to provide you with that peace which you need. and in this chaos for getting the original mental peace the entire effort turn into something from shanti to shannata, which is as much meaning less as anyother disturbence of life

Passion and Desire...

We all dream! Dream to be best; dream to be achieving whatever one can think of...but when it come to convert this dream to reality we have different approach. Some live in there dreams and keep on dreaming one after other, some have desire and sometime they even put a good effort, but there is third class for whom, the dream is always a passion! Passion which reflects in their attitude; they just know what they want and, go for it.

I know I lie in the second category of people who although make a high dream but lack the passion to achieve. Its not like that I don't put efforts to do the best but the fire-the thrust to success is always missing! I personally know some people of third category also whom I always see as a motivation and aspire to be like them but again the same thing is missing which prevents me to be like them! Can't say I have made myself like that or its a congenital fault...

Life Expansion

Time has how so ever taught me not to expose my life suffering publicly either by body or by action but the mean of technology and information is even stronger. Problems in my life which I hide anyhow and survive for the time I find chronologically reflecting in my big and bigger growing itemised mobile bills. And sometime my attempts to seize the expansion of mobile bill, look like my attempt to become indifferent to my problems. As I pretend to be more strong and resistive to life challenges, their even bigger faces appear all the time and before which sometime I find myself too dwarf to face, but its my inner call or my emotional support by my holy loved ones which let me with stand among all.
Please be there, till my last battle...n ‘ll defeat it for you n me too.

No Happiness! No Grief!

Listening to Bhagwat Gita as usual for my moral boost up in time of low moral and got hanged my self with the idea of Lord Krishna’s Sthitipragya purush, the person who is neither happy because of some material happiness nor sad because of material loss is the best person and is closest to the God. The desire to be close to God or to achieve God is nowhere in me but the will to be stable to life challenges and opportunities brings me closer to Krishna. In a time when both the challenges and opportunities of life are demanding for tough decisions in life I can’t be a mare spectator or not just an escaper out of all. I have always desire to collect the meaning of life but what so ever I have learnt about it is definitely not something which I can run out of but something which needs my brave attempt to take over and become achiever...after that no happiness...no grief!

Chemistry of love

In my work life and because of my shift in-charge responsibility I have noticed a very awesome chemistry of love in men which appears pre and post-marriage. All the unmarried lovers grade of employee demand for more and more number of C-shift may be so that they have more time in day to go with there girlfriend, simply saying more time for love. On the otherside, the same person from that group as soon as gets married starts disliking C-shift and avoids as much as possible…a big shift in attitude because of just one event of life…don’t know what to say..amazing-awesome-stupefying-vexing! Probably all the same, don’t know what deeper chemistry which depends on day light!....some photochemical reaction

The Drop Of Oil

There are some questions which always remain unanswered; n some we don’t want to… but thinking of all around sometime I think of my vision and mission of life n endless expectations for which effort is nowhere…whenever try to be desperate for some goal so many doubt come in mind, whether is really needed or I am going to bring upheavals in life because of influence of others…The Alchemist’s story of eye over the drop of oil still peep in my mind but the truth is that now I feel that I don’t know, what is that drop!!! keeping eye over drop while journey of life is far away.

Sound of Self, Silence of Self!

Time never waits for anyone, n I am not the exception too... have lived my one year of life in vacuum which got created a year back when i left my college...I don't know i didn't enjoy my job or my past didn't left me alone to do so but at this time the only thing I find is sure that today when on the day when its completed its year round, nothing much has changed for me...same desires, same commitments... and so as the apprehensions! some time feel why time is so cruel, but the God with whom I always have the tight-fight gave me a good time for little atleast...friend whom I always find to be with me...all in myself!

Chase for Dream

While going to my office when I see the juggees beside the road and people living there, I just think of the life-its ambitions-destinations-sufferings all for some hope- some dream... What are the differences in the one which these people bear, one which I bear and the one which people above me!?! Finding that in this race to chase our dreams how we all become so small that we loose our own identity, just remains a position-a responsibility with a name of no value without it! but life is nothing without it even....some get success to achieve it some loose the ground and spoil themselves and acquaintances...still in search of meaning for life as ever.

A-Day…B-Day…C-Day…D-day….

After a 16 hour long shift; that too very hectic at job, and some shopping on the way back returned exhausted to flat and slept unconsciously for whole night to get up fresh at morning 5 on my B-day. Day started with my call to my fellow who was in night shift to get update of fermentation batch for which we were facing some problem n got some bad news…started swing in the ambiguity of thought of whether to go to office or stay back to pay my commitment for the day…anyways I called all concern people for the permission of necessary steps to be taken and went to my colleague’s place to tell him the way to do all to troubleshoot the situation…all went fine and things got done to let me return in back in B-day mode. Went for Cinema with friends and thereafter for food; both just like formality but took lot of time…retuned at 11 and called my friend to get a bad news again…as have taken soporiferous drug to induce sleep because of life tensions…disgusting! What hell I am doing in this world can’t even help my friend. Got a promise that,‘ll not be taking anymore in future! Not sufficient for me…still asleep at 3 after listening!!! Birthday already gone…

Life Examination

Going though ups and downs of life. Had my appraisal review with my boss somedays back, don't know why I went there for...returned completly dejected and with low moral after that. Was talking everything except our contribution to the jobs and when things not even settled there he clarified that since you people of fermentation are at very bottom of the process its its very hard to indentify your role in sucess. I was called for a 15 min. talk which went upto 1.5 hours sucking all my time which was really to be given to process since I had to do three media fills that day. In such sitution when you are expected to deliver most was like someone has blenched you and sent back! annoyed! tried to make myself more in the job helplessly....

Practical in Life..

People feel I am very much practical in life n I too try to pretend like that only, but is it really true...Life has its own narration, which I never understand just in my attempt to look practical I hurt my own people and finally myself...but on the same time when required to be adamant looking, I break so badly that I myself fail to control myself...Uselessly trying to show what I am not!

Knowledge is hindrance to learning…

Got a time to express myself here after long time today. Learning is very important in life and so as past knowledge, but now a day realizing the fatigue for learning in myself…not so active, not so curious as before when I was in my college or to start my job. Broken pieces of my knowledge are putting impedance with an unfounded realization that, I should not worry, as I already know it. Have a serious apprehension that will loose my ground very soon, if will remain same. Time has already taken away my inspiring friends, and now if I fail to contain myself, don’t know where I will be…lets see! Atleast hope is there! n realization too…

Become Like Me?

Had a talk after long time and for long time today with Konkana, which left me back again in my own puzzle when suddenly she said, "Ashish, I have become like you". I was all surprised and set inside after listening; started thinking of, but which Ashish! when I myself is no more like me. Time has really changed a lot...knowledge and more over personal approach. She meant to say about my knowledge but I went inside me, my approach to life after call. What a great change has occur! Although I was never a atheist but pretty agnostic, used to question everything and debate for even those things which even I were knowing is nonsense. Even now I don't put God's picture/mark in my room, just a Ganesha's small idol being more of friend than God! to whom I more complain than demand! always command never pray! but still I believe in him! I believe in my friend, as any other!Anyway the change is still there, I have a new love now! I have started loving Lord Krishna's Karma Yoga concept. Although I am not having great understanding over that but still what ever so far I have learnt out of it is wonderful! Its first time when my sceptical mind has nothing to question! just want to follow! Each and every word of Bhagwad Geeta looks to be coming from my own heart! Its a change in me but first time I am happy to accept it! happy to accept myself!

Crunch for News

Looking back in 90's I remember of days when although I had little interest in news but had good interest in the view of competitive preparedness of my elder brothers to catch the newspaper first as soon as the delivery-person used to throw it in my house. The only thingh which used to catch my interest was the front page cartoon. Now when so many news-sources are there from newspaper-channels to internet, interest in news have gone even lesser, which never comes unless something very special is there. Gone like as my favourate cartoon corner which has also disappeared from front pages of these newspapers.

Just Another Batch

Life in general is measured in days, months and years, some go philosophical saying "measure it in terms of happiness not in sadness". whatever, but for me working here in Dr. Reddy's entire concepts of time-day-month-years-happiness-sadness has dematerialized; busy days and tiresome nights are measuring life in terms of "production-batches". Time is flying with no other achievement beside job and find myself surrounded with existing and coming batches challenges. busy in new batch readiness again after one batch harvest today....

Way which is toughest and easiest too!!!

In life we all come across challenges when we don't know what to do, where to go, what is right and what is wrong! we stay apprehensive about unknown causes...and always feel uncomfortable about choosing the right and finally go into deeper mess day by day by our own choice. But I feel there is no alternative to truth; although its very tough to say or follow it sometime, even toughest but the confidence of being true, following correct path has no alternative. The pleasure of doing the right, the craving behind it is beyond comparison and makes the life easiest, beyond any apprehension of consequences.

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In life milestones come and achieved, desires wake and accomplished, success is sensed but is this all about life. Everything revolving around I-me-my. Thinking of what I have done for others, for the common man; something selfless, something spontaneous....find myself clueless. Life is like running on a fast track without a sense of what exactly I am heading for...personal goal... organisational goal...no goal. Find a big blank when I have answer the question from inner self.

Tiresome

Things got settled with friends and nearby, but don't know why feeling very down now a day. Want to leave it all and get back to my place. While studies I used to think of job for a money to fulfill my dreams...now when job is there, money is there, neither time is there nor the dream...looks like walking in great darkness. Both body and mind gone so tried and more over hopeless that just want to rest them all...I don't know how much horse like I was but certainly turning into donkey with continuous-monotonous overload.

Even though its valentine's day it has got no reason for me to write, but...I got a very special reason to write. I got a my first post-job call from a Singaporean company today. When i had given the telephonic interview, it went very smooth but as advertised it was a job offer for person having 6+years of exp., and I can't believe I have converted the call...Anyway

Sorry, Not Possible Anymore

Despite of all my efforts to not to put my problems before others and instead putting efforts to make other feel more confortable talking me and getting relaxed saying there own problem, I am back were i started. My friend complaining I am changed, I am not able to look in the problem as efficiently as before and worse that after talking me they are still more disserted! something which I heard in my UG days and I left that selfish person....It looks the time has come again. Sorry that I can't carry on my spirit anymore.

Disco Rickshaw

Auto-rickshaws are part of urbanization of new India; auto-rickshaw with tempered meters, or even without that, or not ready to go with meters even if meter is there; but that is all common and nothing new to talk about and what i find is something very special about auto-rickshaws in Hyderabad is the music system. Music systems of good quality is nothing new in family and luxury four-wheelers, but auto rickshaws in Hyderabad have a big music system with two-big speakers in rear part supported by very fast-n-wild Telgu music taste of their drivers. The default sound of these systems is so high that you feel to be in a disco and music is banging your head and thus, even if the rickshaw is going slow the music make you feel everything is very fast. I don't know its there love for music or mode of creating illusion for the person seated but it comes like a unwarranted demand before you and ends only with your short journey. Its your choice, you are going to Enjoy or Adjust!

Dosti Ke Naam Par

Relations are changing day by day and there orientation too; some are getting closer while some are going still away. friendship is one such relation which we come across all along our life, everyday and to prove its worth everyone does something or other when it is close and also when it is no more close, even when it means nothing for them anymore; all for Dosti ke naam par.
Looking into my acquaintances what people do for me on Dosti ke naam par....
-some still call me once or twice in a month or two.
-some try to prove that they miss me.
-some feel that some part of there monthly recharge is to be discharged by calling me to prove friendship.
-some don't forget to talk to me in chat if they find me.
-some pretend that they were all in thought of calling me only, as i called.
-some scrap on some occasions and keep forwarding there junk in my mailbox.
-some send sms funny jokes to share the moment.
-some keep waiting till I call and start talking like they themselves have called me and had well ready with idea what all to talk about and what all to ask for in the short call.
-some don't forget to remind me about what all are my responsibility since I have been friendly to...
Whatever, but everyone has something or other for the name of friendship to serve

Where's The Party Tonight

Yes, it was new year party for us...went with some sweet, some shocking memories of time. It was more like a cultural festival where stage dance kind of activities were there, somewhere like a award winning ceremony where u had prizes for every possible action and a bad food or mostly no food to remind the Dr. Reddy's culture. But for me it was even more memorable not just because I danced almost few hours on dance floor but also the final situation of the whole party; My roommates where fully drunk...one was drunk to such extent that he was beyond his sense and lying on ground. I was saying thanks to myself that I don't drink but also that now I will have to carry this 80 kg body of my own which was already fully tried after whole day work in office and thereafter party. Anyhow carried him to my home place and felt relaxed.

My Money Plant

In a time when Life is tiresome for everyone running behind money, one sweet memory of innocence I used to bear in childhood revitalize me. I was not a son of some Dhirubhai or Enistein having innovative idea, the innovative idea of making money which fascinates every age (I hope will facinate me in future too, which i don't know), but I had my own way. I don't know it was genuinely my own but its was surely well nourished and fueled by my elder brother who was the sole benifiter of my vigilant dream. In my childhood when ever my mother used to give me paisa (usually while going to office, n i used to stay at home) my brother used to come with the idea of Money Plant. It was nothing great but in absence of everyone we unite to sow that paisa to get that so called money plant which will make me millionaire one day! only to pluck paisa like we used to pluck other flowers everyday from the same garden. I regularly and with full belief kept sowing plant when ever I got a chance without any care that my last attempt had failed n kept on going until this worldly lure made me change the mode of expenses; expenses on toffees-chocolates-icecreams and lot many. But this question always remained unanswered that where those paisa where going which i used to plant and got answer one day when my brother reveled the story in his background. He used to take out paisa in my absence and place a plant on the same location without root to call me n show. My pleasure nad dream used to acheive the peak but, a plant without root will have what fate? It used to dry after sometime, leaving a message for me; Well! sometime next...will surely get success one day.
Great memories of childhood...lot many! countless!!!

Great power comes with Great responsibility

Its power only which rules around us! power of money, position, status etc-etc. But this power really brings fun to be superior in life. I feel its a fun of different taste to bear something important on the same time it brings equal responsibility, without which there is no difference between man n devil.

Life Revisited

Just completed my friend's gift "Sum thing of a Mocktale", the book which he gave in our last meeting. It was surprise, it was sweet but moreover something which I most-wantedly like to have. Anyway it was a chronicle of author in JNU but reading it can't stop myself from comparing n finding something like mine kind of experiences in it. It gave me a experience like I have once again returned to my days in JNU...tiresome-robust days but I don't know a majestic satisfaction was there inside...a satisfaction of been in a world, of which I liked to part of. Reading the book gave me the same satisfaction again! again after so many days!

Hyderabad Beggar's Club

In my college days, on my way to Allahabad and Kanpur, I used to encounter too many beggars in the train between Varanasi and Allahabad and named it Beggar's Route but that class which i used to think is unconquerable even have great competitors, these competitors are from Hyderabad Beggars Club. I use this word for the uncountable and omnipresent hyderabadi beggars which don't loose a single chance to catch you anywhere-anytime, to almost chase you in their area. Their area because their business looks very manged and no chance of internal competition I have observed among themselves so far. Its tragic that a city where most of the people get respectable job, there's a big brigade of such beggar running a parallel business of different kind...there own Beggar's Club.

Back to Job

Now when i am back to work and feeling fresh after so called loonng leeave, trying to prevent the life for getting skewed yet again. It was something most wanted and came on right time in my life as I was completely exhausted not just physically but mentally out of work. Have resumed my habit of reading books and have gobble up two books since arrival here...Don't want to get that much tired as before, since it will really be tough as much impossible to come out if it happens again. But very much optimistic right now...will surely keep on myself.

Happiness is temporary, suffering is permanent!

Today is the last day of my leave at home...so the sweet days are over and have to get ready for hyderabad hell. I got a big leave but how it all flown, I myself don't know....Happiness went like a breeze but suffering is persistent...which nonetheless came even sometimes in between and finally 'll be in its fullest after leave...Since its temporary, thats why its special; thats why its happiness.

Destiny and Desire

Trapped between thoughts of past and future, today the memories of Paolo Coehlo's "The Alchemist" which I read in my last days in Kanpur 4 months back, is coming again-n-again. It was an wonderful story about optimism, hope, courage and perseverance. It was about finding out, what is our 'mission' in life, about destiny and following our dreams - whenever one wishes something, the whole universe conspires to its realisation. Everything is possible as long as we really want it to happen. Gives a lot of satisfaction in low time since the 'mission' is still there and the 'desire' too.

The Two Shore

Left Kanpur after 7 days, after a highly mechanical life. Starting days went along concerns that I am changed. Changed because of previous situations? Changed because of new circumstances? Or because of anticipation of shock again? Whatever, however!!! I too was not happy with the change, atleast not which I was feeling between me and my freind! No warmth of relation, no heat of the feeling that we are meeting again after long time, prob’ly for last time. Anyway, by the time I recuperated myself, it was time to go! Go for not to meet again...With all the similarities and differences we were like two shores of river, although closer for some time... Only the feeling that you are there on the other side, always! happy in your part of world, gives pleasure and satisfaction!

No Words! No meaning!!

Words once again failed to mean what i want say...what I am feeling about. I don't know why I am no more natural as before...even after several urges! my excuses aren't letting me hide what is going on wrong inside of mine. Every piece has a memory of past; past which I don't want to come across. But being so is not at all giving me satisfaction, not even to person next to me. Finding myself totally helpless...not able to make someone understand me.

Robotic me

After a long time of 4 months I met my friends in Kanpur, probably in never to meet ever again kind of situation but don’t know why I am lacking my emotions this time; behaving very much mechanical; and amazing that people around too look me the same. Don’t know it’s my fault or others or the so called dunia ka dustoor. The moment for which I was waiting for a long time is there and I am no more excited, no more elicited, just trying to look like usual me. Paying the price of being social.

Office! Office!

Today is an off day for office but still feeling completely exhausted out of work. For the last three weeks of restless job that too for morning 8 to 12 in night or may be even beyond has sucked every thing out of me…tiredness of such extent that every night I used to sleep like dead body and then early morning again wake and dress that cadaver for another hectic day. I don’t know how long I can and how long I will be doing like this but the thing is that my dream of first job has shaken me too much…much more than any other dream before. Is this life???

First Shot!!

Today is the harvest day for first batch of CCM1 production facility where I work. In our regular work life we are three working hand-in-hand, but today when its the D-day (Also Dewali tomorrow, or may be today by the time I start with) all are on leave because of various reasons and responsibility of giving harvest lies on my side. Amazing fact is that, not only I will be doing this for the first time for the company as one of the landmark!, but also some thingh which I will be doing for first time for myself...Never done before, not even seen someone doing. Whatever.... have to do it! and always the best!

Searching....I

Stay happy in what so ever is the situation and always do the best! my own lessons which I were always talking about, I am not able to follow now a day. Looking around sometimes I feel like, the more you work, the more you have to work, people who were enjoying, are still enjoying. Now a days office work has raised so much that working on NOT LESS THAN 14 Hrs basis, which may even go upto 20 hours. And even this without any identity!
Today is Friday, people retuning with happy mood because they are going to get 2 days of weekly off because they work 9 hours...for me have not seen a single day off for last three weeks with no limit of work....Not even getting time to find me in myself.

Moving for Sustenance????

Even though we are celebrating the 60th anniversary of Independence, tendency of ours to look toward west even for the smaller needs has not changed, and is the major cause of problem. It has affected our attitude and thoughts. The aspiration to say us global is so prominent that we people wish to see the challenges of ourselves from the eyes of west and finally find us nowhere. This is leading to the lack of pride and self-reliance without which the concept of sustainability will remain meaningless. We need be to more positive towards ourselves. We have border range of nature gifts, resources and moreover people; all it needs an establishment of synergism between them, an initiative with a spirit to fight back all the evils to achieve the best. The mission of sustainability figures out thereafter only.

Third Round

My blog has completed its 3rd year today on October 2, 2007 and has seen all the upheavals of emotions and the change in phases of my life but still The Gandhi of day-one of my blog is significant in all. Gandhi’s thought of Whenever you are in doubt, or when the self becomes too much with you, apply the following test; Recall the face of the poorest and the weakest man whom you may have seen, and ask yourself, if the step you contemplate is going to be of any use to him. Will he gain anything by it? Then you will find your doubts and your self melt away, helps me too.
Life has completely changes in all these year. The engineering graduate who had lot to do in life and was waiting for right time to come, still all the dreams in eyes and no time to execute them. This may be an excuse to satisfy myself but this the life these days. Learning to adjust in professional environment; hold my responsibilities more efficiently; multi-tasking and create balance between my personal and professional life. Last few months have been really very exhaustive, n will be same till I learn to manage my work; learn time management!!!