अच्छा है डच नहीं मैं ...

आमतौर पर विदेश में पहुचने के बाद लोगों को वहां कि संस्कृति और सभ्यता में सम्मोहित होते वक़्त नहीं लगता है, कुछ तो अपने हमवतन और उससे जुडी हर चीज को इतनी सफाई से नजर अंदाज़ कर जाते हैं कि जैसे वो कभी उससे कभी जुड़े ही नहीं थे! जो भी हो पर यहाँ पहुचने के ४ महीनों में ही मुझे भारतीय सिस्टम जिसको हम सब आये दिन गाली देते हैं पर कई बार फक्र महसूस हुआ. उसमे सबसे बड़ी बात है हमारे लोगों में पायी जाने वाली सहस्तितव कि भावना. भारी विसमता के होते हुए भी कहीं ना कहीं एक दुसरे से जुड़े हुए होते हैं, पर यहं सब कुछ उल्टा है. सब कुछ फोर्मल है यहाँ, बच्चे माँ-बाप, दोस्त दोस्त से appointment ले कर मिलते हैं और सबसे मजेदार बात ये कि यहाँ तक कि पति-पत्नी भी जब रेस्टुरेंट जाते हैं तो खाना भले ही साथ-साथ खाएं पर बिल अलग-अलग अपना अपना पे करते हैं! ये सब to इनका हाल है और इस बस formalities के बीच व्यवस्था कि पोल तब खुल जाती है जब हम उससे व्यवथा से जुड़ते हैं, उसमे सबसे ताज़ा घटनाएं मेरे लैपटॉप के रिपेयर करने कि कोशिश और होलैंड में मेरा पहली बार हॉस्पिटल का चक्कर लगाने से जुडी हैं. लैपटॉप को जो की यहाँ १५ दिनों के लगातार प्रयास से निराश हो कर जब भारत भेजा तो वहां कुछ दिनों में ही सही कर दिया. और फिर दूसरा तब जब मेरा पैर जिसमे सूजन जो की कम नहीं हो रही थी को लेकर आज जब हॉस्पिटल पंहुचा तो यहाँ से वहां और वहां से यहाँ ढेरों सिस्टम्स के जाल का फांश के फस मैं घंटों लंगड़ाता घूमता रहा, और फिर ये जाने के बाद की कोई टूट-फूट नहीं है, अंततः बिना दावा पाए ही घर लौट आया क्यूँ की दावा चाहिए तोह फिर के चक्कर लगाना पड़ता दूसरी जगह जाने का...और उसकी भी गारंटी नहीं की मिलेगी ही क्यूँ की आम तौर पे डॉक्टर यहाँ घर जा कर आराम करने की ही सलाह देते हैं...धन्य है हम भारतीय हैं...कम से -कम अपना बैक-अप तो अच्छा है...

हम क्या चाहते हैं

पिछले दिनों घर की सीढ़ी से फिसलने के बाद पैर में आई सूजन ने फिर एक बार मम्मी  के दर्द को याद दिलाया. RA के  चलते मम्मी को पैर में सूजन एक आम घटना बन गयी थी हम सबके लिए और जाहिर सी बात हैं की उसके पेन से हम सब अनजान थे या की जान कर भी कुछ हद तक अनजान थे. पर इन सब बातों और दर्द के साथ, जितने के कहीं कम पर मैंने ऑफिस से छुट्टी ले रख्खी है, वो हर रोज ऑफिस और उस बहाने हम सब की सलामती के दरखास्त लिए मंदिर-मंदिर घूमती. भगवन के होने या ना होने के या हो कर भी बेहद निष्ठुर होने की बात में जायें तो उनकी सब दौड़-भाग बेकार जान पड़ती है, जैसा की हम सब को लगती भी थी पर उन सब से अलग उनकी कोशिश उस पूरे दर्द के असर पर प्रश्न अवश्य खड़ा करती है, कि बड़ा दर्द कौन सा, मेरा या तुम्हारा. अपने दर्द के प्रति ऐसी उदासीनता कम से कम ये तो हमें सिखा ही जाती है कि, ये जरूरी नहीं कि हम क्या जानते हैं, जरूरी ये है कि हम क्या चाहते हैं.

It was a B'day Party!

Birthday party leaves me surprised, this had never happened to me before. But, it was really something different, different enough to surprise any Indian atleast. With a knowledge that one of our colleague has birthday today and wants us to be there in a bar in city-center (nothing odd if you know you are in west) we all went there after office. Party was good and we enjoyed our drinks and company of each-other for the evening but then it was time to go. Time to go but the surprise to come, and the surprise of, the way it was all ending. Everyone, took out his wallet and started paying for their drinks, n I was looking it all amazed and stunned..completely clueless, "whats this, it was a party by someone only sometime back!!!". Anyway, me too paid and walked out, but later only come to know that, this is the way they party...u have to choose your drinks, have it...n then pay for your drinks and leave!

In coherent thought still

Not a single morning still starts without my mothers thought...every day eye-opener thought! why we she left so early, if I had done this she may be there, If I had done that it all would have never happened! n so on the infinite possibilities... I don't want to dissociate myself from her, neither forget her, but the tearful mornings are ending in no energy for our shared dream! I am normal to everyone around now, much more as before...but hate to be intimate to anyone! especially when they try to show them caring me...I ain't ready to allow anyone to puncher the layer of last soft memories of my mother anymore!

Feel the Gap!

Days going pulse counter like fast, with every instance to find it's value. Our reason to be here is certainly not an heavenly error or outcome of some natural disaster; is even though not a planned looks -like space, but it needs us to be planned atleast, an organized crowd, a civilization or a society! Inherently our actions are so much beyond reasons that, we have neither a reason to walk nor to stop...but we all have been running the same race, with thats the only reason for it to be; race which fuses off somewhere suddenly and co-runners keep their self running with to a distance back glance to feel the gap

Father of Undivided India

Read Nathuram's last speech today and had seen "Mee Nathuram Godse Boltoy" some days back, it was all a great experience of looking back in history towards the martyrs of India who sacrificied their life for their ideoligies. History can't be re-written if said correctly, but the history we learn through our books right from schools looks to be highly influenced and biased by governing people. A very promising line of play saying, "he is ready to live for his values, and I am ready to die for mine.' Our history has tried to ignore all those people who struggled and died for there values, which would have made a undivided India.

Fight for Sustainable

An interesting fact came across today during the lecture, which says the thing which has contributed most to the Art and Aesthetics is love and the most for Science and Technology is war. No doubt that their is no way to put the love and the war on same table, but for a time been it gives war a acceptable place in society; society which taps their back for excellent development but the actual divining force is anti-social...what an irony...probably says that you can't achieve anything unless you are aggressively fond of it.

The Grey and the Green

Generally people ask me, what is the change over here in Delft w.r.t. India, and I have to tell something odd and escape out of it as if I say culture is different, I'll be betraying our land of diverse culture so change of culture should be something very unnoticeable to an Indian, if  i say skin colour probably I am going racist, and if I say food habit I will be crying for me being vegetarian. By the way I got a good difference between India and NL which really make two people different, it is the way we enjoy our freedom! ....here you can kiss on the road but you cannot piss on the road and there in India you can piss on the road, but kiss!!! no way, you are vulgar, you are spoiling the culture! No comment on freedom, cultures and their types.

technostart

First day to start my course on technology business taught me the lesson that the good technology is not the only one which is stolen. And it crushed my old idea of competing in new market with old technology to bring the new idea and the sky is much beyond that. I was just a beginner in the learning of entreprenuerial art, but it is really a very interesting experience to start learning the venturing skill. As dream is still alive to start my own venture, needs a lot to prove that it was not a mere dream!

The Ugly Freedom

Feeling freedom as never before now a days, free as if no accountability, no body to worry, no one to care. Its all about me, myself and I here. When I reached here, one of my friend took me to a workshop on Dutch Culture and their idea of freedom. I fairly speeking was not agree with it, but now find myself in a similar situation where I am really free, freedom which I never wished for. After returning from India it has been completely different experience for me, learning to live without all what I care about...like flying in a zero gravity region.

30-one more day

Like time waits for no one, toady its exactly a month past for it. Running in the race of life, the realization of the pain is less probably because have to run too fast now a days..too many courses, assignments and exams all in head-to-head. But, its very frustrating to see, living for the God...Just to live for his world to go on, and one fine day die to let it go even on and on. Where is the difference in human and the animals;the buildings, the short termed choked troth emotion, the life-cycle with more assembled look-like transition... but is that all!

The Big Day

Its was a big day of my blog today, my blog which started the day country got Mahatma five years ago, I lost my mother today, now the most painful day of my life. No more inspiration, no more reason to reason about. Her life was a message for us, and her death was recap of her life journey, with the pain she was carring towards the ends...better ended! although not so easy to accept it. The picture of our family has lost the focal center. This is meaningless to say that we're not going live without her, surely hard to image ourself without, the content which made us whatever we are is gone. All Sand Castle now.

Change!

Change is something which sometime like and mostly don’t because its breaks our settlement, but with happiness or with disheartened we are bound to accept it. There is nothing stable in this world even as per most scientifically established principle, but than what is that change which we feel most in spite of occurring continuous? The change is nothing but invasion of two different futures in different speed. So if this future even invade in unison it will be hard to find the change in surrounding. So, the changes which are as certain as the past and the future of the present are designed to look like so.

The black and The white

Nothing of the race, it’s about the life again. We all come across difficult time in life which willingly or unwillingly needs to be face. We do it boldly or lay before it that depends on us. The greatness of life is in the fact where we come out of it to become better, prove the toughness that we are ready for even worst, lit a light of the hope in all darkness for a way forward.

Thawing life

Life has taken a 360˚ turn in last one year. This time last year I was in Hyderabad with my mother with some coughing problem which was unknowingly developing as lung cancer in her. I was busy with my life in Dr. Reddy’s, working hard to meet my work-life challenges of day-today. On return from office, I had everyday goodtime of meeting my mother who use-to be busy in watching Sai-baba TV serial that time. I used to debate her on some ethical and mythological issues while she prepares and give me dinner, and then sleep for the next day office hungama. And now, there is no Hyderabad, no tension of office, but thing which makes the gap bigger is, no loving mother around me…to talk her, tease her, to argue her. She is struggling for a lesser painful death in India and I striving to survive here in Netherlands. The pain which was all around us but had not entered inside has penetrated badly inside now in both of us in this time. I am anyway going to survive out of it, but God, please if you really there somewhere, let her go without pain, you anyway going to get most precious gem of our life. Can’t you do this for us!

Man vs machine

Facing the most ugliest truth of life, when have to sit and plan a least painful death for my mother and get for the treatment accordingly. Mind never ever freezed so badly, now when such discussions start and my brothers expect my view on practical ground. having no mean to alleviate her pain and to let her live a normal life, its how meaningful to make her increasingly painful extended life. And extended life for what?; to let her feel that she is done with all her responsibilities, which is surely tail-less, or to solve my own satisfaction that I went for the medication to end of the possibilities resulting a very painful extension for few months.
Life conditions are showing their dirtiest face, forcing to treat my loveliest mother as a physical asset rather than a human.

Some thing like last inning

After seeing the worse than hell situation in Jamshedpur, we have brought mummy to Delhi back to her very first treatment providing hospital, which is meaningfully telling that it is going to be last also since the complications have been even though controlled for a very short time, have touched their worst end. And sitting beside mummy gives me a worst feeling of sitting on a bay and silently listening and watching the SOS! signal in a wait for ship to sink. Ship which is carrying all my resource of "all physical and emotional support". After previous incidences it was clear that this all is bound to happen a day but so soon, and on such time when again I am planning to go away from her, some what more away in physical term. Why always I have to sit on fulcrums!

Need that Opium More

People in pain often move for dope, and so as I, with a bit difference. It's dope from Karl Marx's dictionary according to whom "Religion is the opiate of the people". Life situations have bent me more towards God, loving more to think in term of Karmanye Vadhikaraste Ma Phaleshu Kadachana...... Probably that's the only way to get out of my pain and give a reason to my helplessness and prevent myself from breaking down. Everyday brings some or other bad news with a feeling of slowly brittiling surroundings. Long way to go in this darkness, don't know this dope is sufficient for this night or not.

Not More Than a Dummy

Whenever-wherever life needs me to give my 100% love and care to people I am attached with, I find myself in great dilemma, mostly fail to make myself available for the time. Loose the purpose of me being there in such instances and that too when 'am not in some great business! I am just doing what others do, n keep the things going around them. sometime feel that i am just practicing for some of my own life fiasco, where i will be left alone to face the consequences. Life and its choices always amaze me, and will keep me puzzling as ever.

Delhi Again.

Reached Delhi again today for my visa interview, things went fine and everything got completed so early as if completed with start itself. Thereafter went to see my friends and given them surprise information of me leaving India. A life is no way an easy thing to handle with and so was the tour. Started for here in a scene when my train journey ticket got canceled due to no-confirmation and reached here between heat and annoyance of too long journey as I got no other option. Anyway, it was a good day today when I met my school and college mates in a mall, got some time to share with them, recall some memories of past. Finally at my brothers place, ready to leave back to my workplace again...no other go!!!

Shattered to Pieces

Don't know why but every time in ups-and-downs of any relationship now I very easily start realising that everything has ended and no remedial thing is possible. Even start the preparation to to adjust and live with the left space. Why i am in so hurry to end-up all around and go alone don't know but one thing I feel always that nothing is going stay for long with me, atleast the people I love to live with, I can't steal time out of my life...just trying to live with the developing scenarios! how helpless and weak the past incidences of life have left me!!!

Concept of Time

Long back I read that, The concept of time, is the concept of mind! now I realise it when sometime I see the behaviour of people around me. When my mother was diagnosed for cancer at final stage people suddenly became so caring and humble about her, everyone asking how many more days. Now when the treatment seems to be working fine she is looking not just all about to go, same people are back on there regular behaviour; complaining, anguished and denying her as earlier. Shaking me! Do we need to die to get others love? Are we all just waiting to say good words, give some care and love only if it has to follow the final good-bye! Good that nobody is going to stay here forever, good so that everyone will have some good words and care before this show ends-up...

Dread of Monday Again!

Life which was running in a narrow gauge of batches after batch has bit widen to week time. Monday afternoon starts the week which don't know when suddenly ends up with Sunday morning. No Fresh air, no extra desire, everything looks so automated that waiting for a bang to bring some flavor. Weekends bring some time and space to think beyond job but by the time eyes wide open and the blood-vessels pump in the freshness Monday returns. And the same story starts. Why there is always that dreadful Monday after the Sunday!!!

Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish

Its a phrase form a book for its last edition, but I came across it few days back when one of my friend directed me to listen a speech by Steve Jobs to Stanford's Scholar in 2005. the speech was all about his 3 stories of his life which were surely very inspiring but the the magical ending was the with the comment that "Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish". Initially I was surprised, what it really mean to be, then i got it! If you want to grow stay hungry for knowledge, stay curious and that curiosity should be of innocent and naive. there shouldn't be anything which can guide you or make you biased in learning. And as long as you are hungry and foolish, no one stop you from achieving you goal.

Limits of Love and Degree of Friendship

We need everything measurable in this world, Success, dream desire, friendship and even the love along with the material things. And measurement brings the standardisation, degree and limits for all. How come relations of hearts can be manhandled by tools of mind I don't know. But in today's quick-start world people want everything ready made and predefined. Bad for all!
A Bashir Badr sher comes in my memory:

Parakhna Mat-Parakhne Mein Koyii Aapna Nahiin Rehta

Kissi Bhii Aaeene Mein Der Tak Chehra Nahiin Rehta

Breaking of Dream and Breaking of Desire

Its like question of burning with fire or with steam, what is more painful and hearting...Everyone seems crying some for there broken dreams as if they want to stay asleep always, others for broken desires which they made. Whatever, but anything without solid foundation and action going to break only. The Star Thrower story from Loren Eiseley which I learnt during a management program in my on job training still in my memory:

Vision without action is merely a dream.
Action without vision just passes the time
Vision with action can change the world.

Quest of the Real Self

This world, which looks to be the factory outlet of God...we keep moving in quest of some unknown destination which ends up with our end only and finally mean the same of everyone here. Are we all made to achieve different goals of life showing no synchronisation, or we all are working for the same goal, just with different part. If it is same for everyone, then what is that? Aren't we killing our own happiness by imposing more and more obligations over ourselves, of which none are natural. Culture, religion, caste, country, we want to adopt as many things as possible which make us involved in activities other than all what we want for ourself. Sometime I feel we are all although living our own life, but living someone else wishes, dreams and desires which may not value now. Anyway, atleast I know I need to look for me to realise my real self.

The Stats of Life

I was reading about the assignable and unassignable cause in stats which make the process more robust and reliable towards application. The same stats applies to the process of life were every aspect has an assignable or sometime unassignable cause towards it, and so are the people and the relationships around us. We can count dozens of people around us whom we feel to be loving us…really, isn't it? When I say love I didn't mean to the one which occurs commonly in Bollywood movies. Anyway, and against each name we can put a reason or the assignable cause of love which we feel is there. I still remember a neighboring aunty was how sweet as long as her phone call used to come at my home..We used to say it phoon ka rista, then and after it ended. So, this big list will definitely have a bigger part of these complementary names and the causes and the little few with name without unassignable cause. But contrary to other processes these unassignable ones which mean the most in process of life. Some name it as their true love and accept like that, some still keep searching the reason, the search which ends only by the time it's too late!

Nationalism fido

I big argument started in my mind few days back when in an informal discussion one of my colleague said, "the idea of nationalism is waste, how old it is, not even a few decades?". The discussion ended then and there itself but it gave me a point to think about, which I also agreed lately. Our school old pledge of...all Indians are brothers and sisters, isn't giving us a foundation for the the wall which we create in life later towards the rest of world and slowly that tendency makes us to make some more walls for insiders. It's OK that some are brothers and sisters but why aren't others. The crop of most of the terrorism across world have grown over the same soil of intellectual partitioning in our mind on the name of nationalism. Do we really need to be classified as a nation or a region or so...isn't it true that whatever, wherever we are we always like to relate ourselves with the root and the idea of bounding people from moving across globe is against humanity. In fact, any idea which allows people to differentiate themselves from other people is waste, either its religion, area, race, color or the nation itself. Only true thing which works is humanity which we really need in all of us across these thick walls.

First time tourist

In between I got a chance to visit Puri, Bhuvneshwar and Kolkata. My visit to Puri was like seen my home place after long time, everything same as Varanasi, same vibes, same smell which can't say is good or bad! same crowd looking ready to welcome, and even the same pandas ready to rob you on the name of God if you ever loosened your pocket. Several times even I got caught in such people and escaped based on my experience. Anyway first time seeing the Sea and Bhagwan Jagannath's Darsan was very much satisfying wish of mine since long time. Between Puri and Bhuvneshwar I also saw Sun Temple of Konark, Buddhist temple near place of famous Kaling Yuddha, Lingraj temple of Lord Shiva and Caves of Khandgiri and Udaygiri. After that I returned to Puri railway station to leave for my next tour destination Kolkata where I reached in an overnight journey. I had no travel guide, and no earlier preparedness to be there except names of few famous places so was completely clueless about where to start. Called up my brother and thereafter Kankana with a hope that will get some help, which only helped me in giving courage but no direction to start. Anyway best thing about our country, the over supporting people worked, I got into a bus for Kali Ghat, reached after one change but was the most ambiguous to find the way to get into temple. Anyway, followed a Panda and finally reached also, to see Goddess and say my wish with great hope. Came out to reach the next destination told to me earlier by metro rail, The Victoria Memorial Museum and the Calcutta Museum where I was surprised to see the way people where keenly reading the most boring subject of History roaming all around. Following people I also made the round around and came out to go to my next destination, the cheapest market ever seen Dharmtala. It was a amazingly cheap for all goods but didn't get anything except a bag and a cap for my brother's son from the market. Here I got the most special experience of my life, traveled in Tram- the train running on road unlike other vehicles, careful about the road traffic!!! Evening went with myself roaming in the same street after which I returned to Hawrah railway station to catch the train to my brother's place. Journey ended with lots of good memories and now looking forward to have next.

Some more days in Jharkhand

Sorry, the story telling about my visit stopped because of internet server failure here in my brother's place but anyway they are still with memories. The next day of me coming here, the most amazing thing was the 23 years sacked person brought to my brother's house since courts don't run on holidays and presenting before magistrate is compulsory before apprehending anyone. So, when they returned I simply asked what that fellow did, pick-pocketed!? and the reply was shocking, killed his neighbour in wordily quarrels between their wives which went high...I thought what a peak of nonsense..but my brother corrected me, "that's culture here". Another interesting thing that complemented the act was the collection of Handiya outside every house and its special smell, been told that its a local wine prepared by tribes here and is something which keeps them flying high for everyday-all time; which allows them to do whatever-wherever. But the last thing comes in mind about the people and the area here is the situation, which has not developed or not let to develop with developing India. Who is responsible, the stupid doped people there, their political and social leaders which don't want the area to develop since they will loose there value thereafter, or the entire system which never cares about his vicious symbiosis between the predators and prey.

Spitomaniac

I was there in Jamshedpur for last 3 days. The most amazing thing to see there in spite of a hospital-without-hospitality was the beauty and the planning of the city. The city with very clean surrounding, with non of those poster from khaini-underwear-hydrosil treatment kind of... But there still one thing which was not allowing the city to be clean enough..the spitomaniac people- who keep spitting every minute, all around the places irrespective of were they are. Can't say what make them do so but at least they had forbidden eyes to see their act what they doing...God help those people.

God, fright and corrupt country

I was there in MTMH, Jamshedpur for my mother's chemotherapy today were I encountered the same sign of giveupness among people all around. Even though it was a private hospital, the culture and environment there was very much like any government system were every person, from office staff to ward nurse where acting tiered from the zeroth hour of their job. In the scene people who were there to attend the patients were angry but not agitated, hopeless but polite to devils of that system. And I was no exception in between, and which was making me think why is so, why we people are tolerant to all these devils sitting in soother's place...people said because they have apprehension that the doctor and/or the treatment may get affected if they raise the voice, which obviously had no historical foundation. But again the same question comes that why such fear is always filled in our mind, why all the reason bring us to the only conclusion of inaction to bad thing. This problem is deep rooted in our inheritance, our all time habit to look towards God to be problem free and that how our silence give consent to those systemic-devils and their corrupt action.

From Concrete Jungle to Real One

After long time I have come to Jharkhand to my brothers place and feeling like my return to India in its own. Getting up early morning when I peeped out side from my window nature was in its such a raw state that even my train and the railway stations passing by were looking mismatch or misconfigured somehow. Property and prosperity had changed its complete face last night when I was sleeping in my train. Everything lying in such a naive state that you can't reason it. But getting down the train at Chakradharpur railway station I saw some more tongue twisters. Probably elections happened several times in this part of India also since it happened in others, and a Big hording with smiling face of Rahul Gandhi- the new political hope of India was also there to support my guess but there was lesser signs of road, electricity, health services, schools which may had come with governance there in last 50 years. The story is going to be continued in my next two week stay here...

The Two Worlds

When we see by our open eyes we clearly see two worlds, one is full of joy other with no sense of it, one with lot optimism other with a new day to make it out anyhow, one with all open avenues other with his broken surrounding...all from same God! God, who is kind, soothing, forgivable, judicious to treat all equally. But then why is it so, why only with some, and even if it is where is our God?!!! Is he really somewhere?

Leave to Live with, Leave to Die with...

There was a time when we promise to live-together for years-after-year with a indifference to any obstruction and now when we really need to mean those words we have no time for that. Going for a leave to see my mother; live with her for sometime. Time which she don't have much and so as will be me for a different reason. Our own ambitions of life leave us in such an ambiguity which can only be solved by God. One such situation quoted from Bhagwad gita which matches that of mine.

kim no rajyena govinda
kim bhogair jivitena va
yesham arthe kanksitam no
rajyam bhogah sukhani ca

ta ime ’vasthita yuddhe
pranams tyaktva dhanani ca
acaryah pitarah putras
tathaiva ca pitamahah

matulah svasurah pautrah
syalah sambandhinas tatha
etan na hantum icchami
ghnato ’pi madhusudana

api trailokya-rajyasya
hetoh kim nu mahi-krte
nihatya dhartarastran nah
ka pritih syaj janardana

"O Govinda, of what avail to us are a kingdom, happiness or even life itself when all those for whom we may desire them are now arrayed on this battlefield? O Madhusudana, when teachers, fathers, sons, grandfathers, maternal uncles, fathers-in-law, grandsons, brothers-in-law and other relatives are ready to give up their lives and properties and are standing before me, why should I wish to kill them, even though they might otherwise kill me? O maintainer of all living entities, I am not prepared to fight with them even in exchange for the three worlds, let alone this earth. What pleasure will we derive from killing the sons of Dhritarashtra?"

Grab the Cap

Days are flying from the hands with lot of things undone, even untouched. The feelings of having very less time to do what all i want to do is always there with me, but the pain increases when people try to acquire my own work to put their name. So much selfishness spills out of their action that whole purpose of hard work is killed for credit taking. From last few weeks observing that the two layers of primary and secondary gowns are not just covering my body but slowing masking my head, my thinking process. In such situation the killing of motivation of mine by peers worsen the scene.

Life Auditing

Seen Dasvidaniya today! really a good one after long time! reminded me of my JNU days and my professor's assertion that, what he will say to God that have given to world after he death. And his pain appears on his face with a calm answer, "Probably nothing". This afterlife questionnaire use to impress me sometime but what about self-success and achievement, is it all about afterlife. Nothing for today?!! The question was really greatly addressed in the movie and the chase of life for undone dreams of self is how much important is shown. After all who has seen the afterlife if you are dieing out of undone dreams in life. Whatever you do, this way quest will always remain unseen.

Tears to tare

The www of life is as simple to watch and as complex to solve. In between this journey of mine I found that making and breaking of relation which is told to depend on sharing of good time, common cause, same vibes (I really don't know where this vibe exist around us) as in books hardly exists. we talk to people, make a bridge of relation also sometime, but mostly those relations are virtual. They retain only till we have a open talk for it, we are ready to listen, speak-out and accept the reality which may right or wrong. If tears exist along with smiles, if good memories get priority along with learning from bad one. As the time is moving very fast such relations exist rarely; everything seems material and incomplete! Jagjit Singh ki ek gazhal ki lines bahut yaad aa rahin hain aaj...

Badla na apne aap ko jo the wahi rahe,

Milte rahe sabhi se magar ajnabi rahe.

Duniya na jit pao to haro na khud ko tum,

Thodi bahot to zahen mein narazgi rahe.

Power of 10

This story comes from deep inside my memories, from the time when a ten rupees note was really a power. Can't say exactly but probably it was time when I was in my KG's only in school and had a great craze of ice-cream (nothing exceptional). Unlike any-middle class family we didn't had any access like pocket-money on regular basis and was only delivered on continual demand; and there somehow demand-supply dis-balance provoked me to steal money from my mother's purse which was ofcourse the most accessible source to me. Anyway in a hurry mixed fright I took a 10 RS. note, the power of which I was so far unknown. The day past with my desire to listen the last bell and be the first to see the ice-cream thela and finally the time came. I was not knowing my favorite ice-cream cost only 1rs probably the costliest of that time, so the problem aroused; what to do with the remaining 9 Rs. I gave it back to the shopkeeper with the same reluctance which we see in celluloid when people say keep the change. But it was not a celluloid, people were still honest in my small town so he gave it back to my rickshaw-wala with full story. His story ended with a start of a new story in my rickshaw with all eyes looking over me like I have been caught robbing a bank in daylight! anyhow our rickshaw reached at home and atleast 4-5 of of my co-traveller in my rickshaw caught my left and right hand tightly as if I will ran-away if they will not hold me tightly and my home is a sort of police station where I have to be convicted. Story after this has almost faded in my memory probably had nothing great to leave any impact on my mind...probably my parents didn't took it as seriously as my previous encounters and the entire issue pushed under carpet. But it left back a memory in my mind about how much powerful a 10 Rs can be when you don't know how to spend it!!!

My First day In first Job

After more than one and a half years of my joining my first job in Dr. Reddy's Lab here in Hyderabad, it may be surprising that I am writing about my first day on first job, but it recalled me all because of action of few of my new friends with absolutely low energy and excitement for new happenings of life. Anyway, that day was very much special for me and we( me and my room-mate Kishore) were the only witness for the moment to each other. Neither of us had good sleep that night, can't say because of the feeling of new tomorrow after that night or the chilling AC in our room in guest-house or both. Finally, we got up at 5am for the preparedness to leave for office-bus at 7,30 am even though we were knowing that its not going to take much time. After little-bit of uncertainty aboutwere to start, whom to talk I got the final room were all like me people were being collected for Induction and other joining formalities. Days were nothing special thereafter accept the food in guest-house which I still remember when sometime I find good food in Hyderabad. and thats how the journey started which is still going with all ups-and-downs.

Silence...some more time!

Got an I-pod some days back, not for the purpose which it is serving now. Now-a-day feeling lot of irritation talking to people around me and just get settle with my i-pod in the ear to ignore all the fuzz. Something is changing inside me, something is making me shrink myself. Don't feel much to express. Even today very hardly convinced myself to write at least this on my blog. Some thoughts keep roaming all inside to keep me restless which really ain't seems to be yielding!...